minutiae

Physical therapy continues and I'm feeling better, for the most part. My lower back is much happier, and when it's not, I know how to fix it. I have exercises that I'm doing to strengthen everything connected to my back (which is... everything, pretty much). I am, however, still having neck issues and they're affecting my sleep. I have an appt with the doc on Friday, and I'm going to see what she recommends for that. If nothing else, I may have my therapist show Jeff the thing he does to make the neck pain go away, but I don't know if that will stand up to whatever's causing the pain in the first place.

I've returned to a vegetarian diet over the last week. I think I'm going to stay with it for awhile. For one thing, it just plain feels better in my gut. Like, literally. My body doesn't really like processing meat or meat-type foods. Small amounts of dairy (very small) are ok. Eggs are iffy. Nuts are great, so I think I'll be relying more on them for protein. Beans are ... iffy. Depends on the bean and the preparation, I guess. I am VERY sad to report that I'm having to cut back on super spicy foods, which means that unless I throw caution to the wind (and let's face it, I often do), my diet is kind of bland. But hey... no tummy pain and better energy, so, win.

Walking is going well, though it is still hard to feel like it's always only going to be walking. And maybe it won't. But I'm sure trying to make peace with it. I think it will help when I get out on the trails. Nature is a great peacemaker. 4 miles coming up this weekend. Between the PT and the walking, I'm down a few pounds. I expect this trend to continue as long as I can keep my focus on what feels good in the long term, and not the short term.

crushin'

My physical therapist is, by his own admission, 68 years old. He is amazingly spry, jumping up on the table next to me to demonstrate things, or show me something. Today he pulled the wooden therapy table across the room with me on it - that's not light. He has bright blue eyes and a wide, ready smile. He readily talks running with me, sharing his experience and knowledge. He's a happy guy. I kinda have a platonic crush on him.

Today we measured some hip flexor stuff and my calf muscles (the gastrocnemius and soleus). They're all, as I expected, tight. What's funny is that in each place, I'm more flexible than most on the connected muscles. So my toe point is beyond normal (he thought ballet, I said gymnastics). And my hamstrings are flexible beyond normal for pretty much the same reason (gymnastics when I was a kid and a love of stretching). We talked more about running.

Here's what he said: no matter whether I'm walking or running, I need to work on increasing flexibility in my hips and calves. I need to work on my core as well, but we didn't get to those exercises today. Friday, I suspect. Weight loss, increasing flexibility and strengthening muscles COULD help me run in the future, but it depends on whether there's degenerative disc action going on. I need to request an MRI from the doc so I know. I suspect I do, and will proceed as if running is off the table. For now. I won't try to sneak in a jog or anything else that might jar my back. No more mosh pits. Heh.

At the end of my visit today he made a strong pitch for a vegetarian diet. He wasn't proselytizing about it, he just talked about how studies show it helps a great deal with health issues. With Jeff's recent heart stuff (he has to watch his BP and his cholesterol) maybe the time is finally right to make it so in my family. He gave me a small cookbook and another book that's cool, but that Jeff will never read because there's a lot of God talk in it. That's cool. I can make the case based on science.

And seriously, if this dude is the poster child for vegetarian eating (leaning heavily towards vegan), and taking good care of the body (i.e. cardio AND strength AND flexibility), I'm sold. He's in much better shape than I am despite being 25 years older!

So if I do the half in March, it'll be at a walk. I'm cool with that. I walk a pretty good pace.

mama called the doctor and the doctor said...

Well, the physical therapist, anyway. So our starting point for correction in my back is the sacroiliac joint area. Reading about it makes perfect sense - it's where things hurt most of the time, my sacrum was a point of injury in jr high school, and I also deal with iliotibial band syndrome, which guess what? Also originates in this area.

The good news is that now I know more about what ails me. The bad news is that when I asked the physical therapist about running, he very gently told me that it wasn't likely I'd ever be able to run without pain because of my scoliosis and how it twists this area. He told me runner to runner, which helped, because he understood what he was telling me. So? So. This means I walk. I can walk pretty fast, and that's just as fast as it gets for me. I can still do trails (without running or jogging) and I can still participate in races, but I need to let go of the idea that I will ever run it. Weight loss may help, but probably not enough to make me a runner. The problem is in the structure. Weight loss WILL help all other things hurt less though, and that's good. It's still a goal.

On one hand, I feel relieved. It hasn't been my imagination and it hasn't been that I'm a quitter. The pain is real, and the limitation in my body is concrete and measurable. The PT says I should probably be checked for disc herniation as well. I'll have to talk to my doc about this. I wanted a concrete answer as to whether I should be trying to run. I got that.

And on the other hand, I'm mourning the loss of a certain type of movement that I once took for granted. I really wanted to sprint through the forest, to run fast, rather than jogging or walking. Now it's down to walking. I won't wallow in self-pity because at least I can walk, and the forest is beautiful at a slower pace. But there's a certain level of irritation and grief that I'm experiencing in relation to my body and my life decisions that exacerbated things.

I didn't realize how much getting into shape might be a team event with medical staff. I've spent most of my life ignoring the scoliosis because as a teenager I was so terrified of having to wear a brace. Now I kinda wish I'd gotten over that.

And it's crazy icy snowy outside right now, so I'm likely going to have to be okay with the 10 minutes of walking I got in this morning. I was scheduled to do 20. Hopefully the ice will be cleared by Wednesday!

what ails me

Internal measures of my health are consistently good. My blood pressure often warrants a double take because it's the kind of low that usually comes with a lot of cardio. My cholesterol is low. My resting pulse rate is great. Other than having crappy ventilators (i.e. asthma) and faulty wiring (i.e. migraines) and a little bit of rusty plumbing (i.e. IBS), I'm just as healthy as any person whose BMI is in the "healthy" range (which is generally a bullshit table created for insurance companies to justify fucking with consumers). What doesn't get measured, however, is the impact of my body size and shape on my joints. What doesn't get measured is how it hurts.

So, HAES is fantastic in the sense of throwing away a lot of faulty science and bad communications that mistake correlation for causation. But in those communities I find little support for a discussion of how my weight impacts my back, my knees and my ankles. Also, it impacts my lungs, though that happens even when all other things (i.e. skeletal things) are good. I've gained such a great appreciation of healthy skepticism when it comes to "fitness prescriptions" and ways to measure health from the HAES community, but when it comes to talking about how size impacts the way my body moves, they have literally left me out in the cold. As in, asked me to leave their forums. So. Here I am.

While walking this morning, I thought about the phrase, "if you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything." I thought (as I walked by the lovely scenery of the Pacific NW, which includes abundant trees and water) about how in nature, things that stand rigidly are often the first things to break. I thought about all the exercises I've ever done with my body that involve standing rigidly and falling more easily, vs. standing relaxed and flexed, and flowing with pressures applied to my body - but never falling. I thought about how things that stand rigidly in the water are worn down more quickly than things that flow with the water. I thought that rather than believing that if you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything, I'd rather gently flex in the flow, with deep roots. I'd rather be shaped by some things in the flow while others simply wash by.

And I thought about how I'd rather take this approach to my health. In the past, I've stood as various trees. The WW Tree. The South Beach Tree. The (this is embarrassing) Cleanse Tree. The Personal Trainer Tree. The HAES Tree. I'm stripping down to the reed now, letting what I've learned from being the trees (except that one, which I deeply regret) shape me. Also, I have a hell of a lot of questions for my physical therapist because...

...the other thing I thought about this morning (I was standing in the shower thinking...) (if you love Jane's Addiction, your brain just sang that), is how back in 2007, when I moved my body down to a weight (that still isn't good enough for the dumb chart, but whatevs) that felt good, that didn't hurt my joints, that let me MOVE, I ultimately rejected it because I didn't want to spend the 10 hours or so in the gym every week that would be required to maintain it. My shower epiphany - that wasn't the right thing. What if there was something I could do for 10 hours a week or so that I love? Like, y'know, hiking? Or walking? Or running? And what if whatever I do for those hours doesn't hurt my body? (That's where the physical therapist comes in.)

Because one thing I know very well is that I'd rather have freedom with what I eat, I'd rather think about food as fuel for what I do, than to restrict what I eat, which leads to all kinds of nasty disordered behaviors. I'm not suggesting that eating healthy isn't important - because duh, it is - but that I'd rather eat well and exercise well than not eat much so I don't have to exercise.

And that brings me back to fixing what ails me, which does require that I lose some weight. I'm not sure how much, and I'm going to consult with the PT on that, as long as s/he doesn't get all BMI on me. That's such a cop-out. I'm also going to get some honest feedback on the limitations of my body. I have scoliosis. I have back issues because of it, and most likely it's what's jacking with my legs. Losing weight will help, but I strongly suspect I still need to know some things about my body.

My appointment is on Monday.

I can't wait.

starting over

It's simple, really. On Sunday I'll re-start the Portland Fit program, which will get me ready for the Lake Sammamish Half on March 8th. I start PT on December 9th, which is a good damned thing. My right side is jacked from my neck to my ankle. I'll be walking again. Feels good to be setting up training schedules and playlists again.

oh fer chrissakes

"Do you still beat your wife?"

So this happened.

If you haven't heard about it, you can go here, or here, or here, or just Google "What's your excuse?"

And the problem here isn't that a woman is proud of her accomplishment. It's the question at the top of her picture, which is a nightmare of circular logic to try to answer. I'm not going to call this woman a bully, because I think that word is not only over-used, but really not the right one. What it should say is something more along the lines of "Why don't you look like me?" (and doesn't EVERY glossy image want us to ask that of ourselves?) or "Why aren't your priorities the same as mine?"

Here's the deal for me. I worked out for two hours a day for over six months. Ate 1200-ish calories each day. Ate well. Worked with a trainer. Maintained my full-time job and part-time college student status.I also had children, no nannies, and so on.  Didn't look a thing like that.  Couldn't look a thing like that. Whatever this woman has to say, genetics matter, methods of birth matter, lots of things matter, and they're NOT. EXCUSES.

I would like to unleash a tide of scathing sarcasm, but that's already been done ad nauseum, and besides, it's playing the same game and I'll pass.

Instead, I'll say this: A writer could stack some books up there and say "What's your excuse?" to all the people out there struggling to write. A business person or financial wiz might stack up their bank account and assets. A runner, their race times. On and on, but the point is, it's about priorities. And frankly, there are other things that are more important to me. I'm pretty sure there are several areas where my "accomplishments" (aided by genetics, my career field and a thousand or so life circumstances) could let me turn the question around on Ms. Kang.

The problem, in short, isn't the picture or Ms. Kang's obvious devotion to fitness. The problem is her assumption that every other mother out there should WANT to have the same priorities, and have no excuse not to look like her. And since she makes her money on selling fitness, I guess it makes sense. Thing is, I'm not buying.

You shouldn't either.

small setbacks

So last weekend I enjoyed a walk in the deep-ish sand along the shore of the Columbia River delta. I had no idea I was overtaxing my calf muscle, but it turns out I was, and this has put the brakes on my big plans to begin training.

I spent the week taking it easy, using ice, Flexeril, megadoses of naproxen and elevation as much as possible. The reward is that I can now slowly begin slowly stretching the calf, just to the edge of feeling it, so I can start walking after a few more weeks. Right now I can at least walk on it (which is a huge improvement), but no walking fast, and certain weird movements hurt like hell.  So, stretches, a few more weeks of taking it easy (I HEAR YOU, UNIVERSE), and then ...

AKA...

yes, and...

I started WW today; weighed in at home this morning, and then again at the office as soon as I got in. My scale is pretty danged accurate, which is good to know. It helps that my cube-neighbor is the meeting leader, so I can weigh in when it works for me. I like to do it first thing in the AM, before breakfast and coffee.

I was up in the middle of the night last night, thinking about this resolution and my feelings about HAES. I still believe pretty strongly that I can have a healthy body at any size, particularly when the markers are things like blood pressure, resting heart rate, cholesterol levels, energy and so on. I was irritated as hell by this Time magazine article that felt the need to put the word healthy in quotations simply because it was next to the word obesity. That said, I also know my knees, ankles and back are being stressed by carrying more weight. I'm not interested in reaching WW's goal for me, but I am interested in dropping enough that it doesn't hurt to be active.

I'm examining the need to apologize for this, or to frame it with HAES. I think I'm still feeling the sting of that Fitocracy group that disallowed ANY discussion of weight that included losing it. I went from feeling like I had safe space in HAES groups to feeling like there was none, particularly given that the moderator dug through old, dead threads to find my relatively innocent question about age and the body's response to increased activity (i.e. does getting older mean the body doesn't respond to training for a half marathon and eating healthy with weight loss - if so, cool, I'm normal, but if not, should I check with a doctor?).

Balance, of course, is the key. It's okay to recognize that MY body will act differently if I weigh less. It's okay to want that. It's okay to have a goal that includes healthy weight loss. And it's kind of ridiculous that I have to walk through this litany almost hourly.

I have long maintained that a person's journey to health is highly individual. There are general guidelines, but I really feel that each person should listen closely to their body for the best advice. And maybe that's the REAL problem here. People - and women in particular - are so used to giving away authority over their bodies and how they work, that they look externally for answers to how to be healthy. Science is a great place to start, but it's nigh unto never that any study has a 100% effect. It's important to remember that. It's important for ME to remember that.

I started out this year thinking of health as a journey, one both inward and outward, and I'm going to end it that way too. I'm going to remember there's more of "yes, and" than "yes, but." And I'm going to listen intently for the wise voice inside.

Next Up... A Full Marathon. Yeah. I've Officially Lost My Mind. :-)

I have woefully moved away from healthy habits since moving. I think training helps me stay on track, so I'm going to kickstart with another training goal, this one being a marathon. I'm going to target the Hagg Hybrid because I love trails so much, and I think Train With Bain recommended it.

Right now my strategy is to deal with my still sore/weak ankle in two ways. First, I need to lose weight. I think I may see a bonus with less lower back/hip pain and less exercise-induced asthma. I'll be weighing in with WW tomorrow, and swearing off dairy and alcohol. This will also help me set an initial weight goal, as I have no idea where I currently am. I'll need to add a probiotic supplement to help my digestive tract, and pay good attention to what I'm eating. I'm tired of being tired AND I'm even more tired of dealing with an unhappy digestive tract. I know my eating habits are a culprit here.

The second part of my strategy is to start with the Zombies, Run 5K app and gradually work up. This will help build my ankle back up and calm my asthma symptoms down (I hope). Once I'm running 5K (I'm projecting by the end of December), then I'll start the "formal" marathon training, probably using Galloway's schedule with chi running technique. If they schedule Hagg Hybrid in the fall (September) like they did this year, then I should be okay.

Anyone out there with me? I'd like to work in some gentle cross-training, but I have massive fear around it since that's how I hurt my back in April. Thoughts? I do have access to a very limited gym. Does the elliptical count as cross-training?

Moved and Moving

I made it to Astoria, completely, as of Labor Day weekend. Unfortunately, I also bruised/sprained the hell out of my right foot in the process. This is also the foot with arthritis, so it's not a happy foot. That said, I've been walking home from work (a hair over a mile, with several steep downhills) 3-4 days a week for the past two weeks. Yesterday Nina and I walked downtown and cruised a bit, walking back. All together it was about 2.5 miles, but they were very leisurely miles. My foot was good though.

My walk home includes a short cut, and perhaps after another week of walking it, I'll start taking the longer way, which brings it closer to 2 miles. Then I'll add a longer walk on the weekends, shooting to increase speed graaaaadually. I know I've gained weight since the back/foot combo, and I want to lose a little before I go crazy. Why? Knees and lungs. My knees are not happy with me and I know it's about weight. I've had to use my inhaler several times in the course of a day. Not sure what's starting it, but I suspect weight is exacerbating it. So on Tuesday I'm going to start a course with Weight Watchers. My co-worker is the leader, so that should help quite a bit with accountability!

I'm not sure what my next "event" is going to be, but I think I'm going to focus on conquering trails around here. That equals hills, so it's a different sort of challenge. I'm not even sure how to (or whether to) measure progress, beyond completion. Once I find some favorites, maybe then I'll start tinkering with time. For now, I'm just loving getting to know my new community.

Seriously

I've been sidetracked by the heat and a whirlwind change of events at work. The good news is that there's an end in sight for both, and they happen to be one and the same thing; I'm moving to Astoria in the next few weeks. So my goal is to find a place where I can easily access the beach and trails for continued running, and MAYBE to branch out into some crossfit training to strengthen these muscles that keep causing such pain with running.

Chi Running 101

I did not anticipate that this class would end up being another chance to wrestle with body stuff and make new discoveries, but it totally was. That's a good thing, if you're keeping score.

I decided to sign up for Saturday's class on Friday. Like so many things with this adventure, I didn't give myself much time to talk myself out of it. At the end of the day yesterday, that felt like a huge miscalculation. This morning I have a different perspective. 

The class was four hours long and started in a yoga studio. There were seven of us, plus the instructor, and I'm pretty sure that I gathered that everyone in the room was in their 40's. Most everyone was more experienced than me in running and I was the biggest person there, weight-wise. Why do I notice this? I have always noticed this, even when it wasn't about weight. When you're anything other than 5'4 and 115 lbs in this society, you notice your "rank" in the room. I'd like to say I've gotten past that, but I haven't. This probably seems like a digression, but you'll see how it mattered soon.

We started with introductions and quickly moved into practicing forms. For me, this was super helpful as I've read the books and even watched chi running videos, but couldn't really tell if I was getting it right. We had great instruction, personal attention and lots of opportunity to practice. This was hugely valuable to me. Even if you already pay close attention to your body, I think there's something to be gained here - maybe even more - because most of us have really screwed up our form trying to be faster (albeit unwittingly). Much of this session was spent barefoot, which also really helped with the sensing, though we did move into having shoes on towards the end.

The challenge of the day, for me, was heading out into near record heat to put it all into action. We rode together to a park and then jogged around the perimeter to practice. The jogging was longer and faster than I normally do with my intervals. It was in the sun, on the sidewalk and involved gentle inclines. I made it through the first loop pretty easily, but before we were far into the second loop, the heat and my back really started to get to me, and I fell further and further behind the group. 

I wanted to tell the instructor to move on, not to stop for me, but there really wasn't a chance. I berated myself for choosing to take the class when I was so clearly out of my league. I stopped to drink and cool down, and started picking at myself for wimping out. All the crap tapes were rolling in my head. I was sure everyone in the group was thinking I had no business having my fat ass there. I was the fat girl in full self-destruct mode. This was ALL me, by the way. No one actually gave me "a look" and in fact, several expressed sympathy or concern. Still, I beat the hell out of myself, thought I wasted my money, didn't gain anything, had no business being there and so on and so on. I was glad to leave, practically running out the door.

I got home and iced my back (this is becoming a daily occurrence).  When I mentioned my back in class, one of the participants told me to get to a physical therapist. My doc offered PT when this happened back in May and I shrugged it off. Now I'm thinking I'm going to email her and ask her to set it up. As my back numbed out, I still beat myself up. I called Jeff in to help talk me down. It was way too damned hot for any kind of hugging, so we just laid there in bed, feet touching, while he talked me down a bit. I finally fell asleep still feeling a bit like I'd wasted time and money, and discouraged about future running.

When I woke up this morning and sat up in bed, I felt a strong twinge from my lower abs. My lower abs, which had been such a focal point yesterday and which I was so sure were not working at all, were sore! Something did shift in my form yesterday, I realized. I went to bed thinking I needed to forget about jogging, keep walking and visit the physical therapist. I woke up thinking that I need to visit the physical therapist, hit the elliptical and swim at the gym till it cools down (and my back is more fully healed) and then try, try again. And I now have many more tools in my arsenal. I call win. 

What I most love about what I learned yesterday is the body/mind connection. I was able to use many things I've learned meditating and doing yoga in shifting my running form. Once my back is truly healed, I can see how this will make a HUGE difference not just in how running feels, but in how quickly I can do it. That's pretty exciting. If you have a chance to take a chi running class, do. The class really can be the connecting force between the book and DVDs. Just like in yoga, there's no substitute for a skilled instructor who can gently help you put your body where it needs to be so that things stop hurting. It's better than a mirror, for sure. 

TK: Fresh Corn & Herb Pasta Salad

This recipe was fantastic - incredibly flavorful and likely to get more so as the season progresses and stuff is fresh. I'd love to have all the ingredients from the farmer's market. My meat-eating family loved it as well - and it was super easy to make.

Thug Kitchen FTW!

Experiment: Day One

I entered this thing much like I did the running thing; without giving myself an opportunity to overthink it and come up with 50 reasons why not. I'm not going to check in every day because that would be tedious, but I will review from time-to-time.

As I mentioned yesterday, possibly in a comment to someone, I've never spent much time watching my sugar intake. I don't have much diabetes in my family (none, that I'm aware of) and it's never been an issue. So that's new, and man, that shit is sneaky! I feel like I may build some serious awareness and reduce what I've been taking in, but it seems nigh impossible to totally eliminate it from prepared food, even the healthy kind. Reducing alcohol and trans-fat is a lot easier for me, probably because I already know where to look and what to avoid. And actually, I'm eliminating alcohol, that's the easiest of all.

On that topic, some of you know I spent 6 months in a very active pursuit of sobriety. It's probably a story for a different post, but I do want to record that I'm somewhat skeptical of that claim in regards to my own body. I didn't lose much weight when I stopped drinking alcohol. This has me wondering, since alcohol is essentially a collection of sugars, is this advice - lower/reduce sugars & alcohol - really applicable to someone who doesn't have insulin issues? I guess we'll see. If nothing else, I DO know I feel a helluva lot more like running when I abstain.

Vegan is relatively easy in Portland. Easier still when Miss Nina is visiting Grandma for the next three weeks and won't complain. Like I needed another reason to love Portland, but it really has expanded what Jeff and Gab are willing to try and enjoy. Doing the natural temperature thing isn't hard either, since it's rarely extreme here.

Sleep was... problematic last night. Not sure what's up, but I have been having kuh-RAY-zee dreams the past week or so. At first I thought it was finishing up my comps. Then I thought it was all the movie-watching with mom. But those things have passed, and still with the crazy dreams. So I don't know. Last night's entry was a full-blown zombie story. Insects have also been prevalent lately. The primary effect is that I wake a lot during the night. Maybe that will settle a bit. I do drink coffee, but rarely after noon, so I don't think that's the problem.

So yeah... so far so good. Last night's run felt a bit heavy, but that's mostly related to the healing hip thing. I wish one of the larger nature trails was within easier walk distance so I could continue to baby it on dirt trails, but that's not an option right now. I'm being uber aware of form and not pushing distance or speed, but it's so frustrating! I feel like such a lumbering turtle-buffalo. I just want to remember what it's like to do this without pain or weird avoidant gaits.

Tonight I'm cookin' with Thug Kitchen, so expect some recipe reviews!

An Experiment

For the next month, while I'm waiting (not so patiently) for my hip to heal, I'm going to try an experiment. But first, let me explain the bigass gap in entries - I took some time off writing (and really shortened my training schedule) to finish my my masters. It needed to be done, and I'm happy because now I can focus on health, physical and spiritual. I sorely neglected these things over the past two years while I was finishing my MS.

So. The experiment. I thought of it after reading this article on obesity and my recent read of Scott Jurek's Eat and Run.  I have long thought that the popular thinking on obesity is at best flawed, and at worst a malicious form of oppression. Seriously. I know those are big words. But I digress. So some things of interest in the article that I want to experiment with include the idea of how trans-fat, alcohol and sugar affect metabolism and how controlling temperature and sleep affect the same.

For the next month, I'm going to keep my activity level about the same as it has been for past four months - three short-ish wogs each week, with a longer distance on Saturday. As I've noted here before, that didn't really affect my weight much. I'm going to tinker with what I eat.  Here's the plan for the next four weeks: no alcohol or trans fat. I will avoid as much refined sugar as I humanly can (which mostly means I'll pay attention to something I really haven't paid much attention to in the past). And I will eat vegan for two meals each day, allowing one lacto-ovo meal to appease my family. To the extent that I can control the temperature at home, I'll let it be natural. And I pledge to get at least 7 hours of sleep each night.

I will measure changes in weight, inches and blood pressure/resting pulse rate. I will also keep track of pace and how I feel when I wog towards running (that's the current focus, as much as my hip allows).

Based on what I find, I may make an appointment with the doc to do some blood work to get a more detailed read of what (if anything) changes and tack on another month.

Because why not? I'm in full-discovery mode, seeing what I can do with my body and letting curiosity drive. Whatever I discover really only applies to me, but I so want to know how much these things affect my health.

So here we go. Cheers to the next grand adventure!

Eat & Run

I've been reading/listening to Scott Jurek's Eat & Run lately. I'm not sure I'll ever want to do an ultramarathon, but I am inspired to think about how the food eat not only fuels my body, but potentially  heals my body. So I'm flirting yet again with vegetarianism. I'm cutting back on dairy as well, pretty sharply, but I'm just not ready to let go of small amounts of cheese.

When I did this as a teenager, my dad took it as an affront to his personal eating choices. Despite not asking for special meals, he was incredibly bothered by my exploration. When I left meat out of my meals, he was mad. "There's no way," he declared, "you could possibly get the nutrition you need." Actually, what he probably said was something more like, "You're not eating right. You need meat." With maybe a few colorful adjectives and adverbs. But you get the gist. I had to be vegetarian on the sly as much as possible. It lasted until I moved in with Jeff.

I danced in and out throughout the years with Jeff. Mostly it was about leaving a lighter footprint on the earth. I have mixed feelings about animals rights & food choice, and it's never been a solid foundation for this choice. So... lighter footprint. My longest stint to date was the first two years I lived in the Midwest. Let me say that the Midwest is NOT an easy place to be vegetarian. Nor is it easy when no one else in your household particularly cares for vegetables or wants to stop eating meat. I hoped to win my girls over by being very clear with them about where their meat comes from, what it was and how it comes to be in packages. They were unmoved. So I did a variation on what I did as a teenager - I just kept the meat out of most of what I ate.

This time, though, I'm not doing that. I'm cooking vegetarian meals and if they want meat, they make it. I'm also more strongly coming from a place of nutrition and fueling my new love affair with running and my body. I want health. And I want to lessen my footstep. And I live in a place where it's relatively easy to be vegetarian. I've been surprised at some resistance from Jeff. Still not 100% sure what that's all about. He should know I do my homework, and this time I'm being more fully concerned with whole nutrition. No more picking out the meat.

At any rate, I feel great. I'm waiting for the back to heal to really see any changes in performance, but I know that in general my digestive tract is much happier with me. I feel better. My clothes fit a bit differently. So here we go with another small but mighty change. I love finding ways to be happy AND healthy. I think I thought those things were somehow mutually exclusive for a long time.

actually, i can

So this is my new mantra. It applies to my running, it applies to my masters (soooo very close to done), it applies to coming to Oregon, so many things.

Tonight I was able to get started again. Slow for me, but still, a good 5K. And I'm back.

Stay Still and Stick with the Plan

More and more I'm finding that my relationship with running is a metaphor for my relationship with  most challenges in life. A therapist once called me out on my tendency to rabbit out when things get hard. Abandon the plan, always keep moving, never stay still. That's what I've often done at the first sign of a serious obstacle when I'm working towards a goal. And I've been lucky. Like the rabbit on the run, I often end up  backtracking several times and this has allowed me to sometimes obtain my goal, albeit in a very circuitous and inefficient manner. I sometimes think, "Well, I'm on a different schedule. Things come to me when they come. And aren't I oh so spiritually wise by just letting that happen!" And sometimes that's probably a healthy perspective. But more often it's a way to avoid taking things head on.

So I've taken this week off to let my hip heal. I was scared to do it. Scared that if I stopped (stayed still), I'd stop training to run (abandon the plan). I was thinking about this today, the last day before the week I promised myself. The plan calls for me to pick up where I left off tomorrow. Now that I've done the endurance thing, I want to work on actually running more than I walk. There are several C25K plans out there that can facilitate this, especially since I'm not starting from scratch. I've chosen the Zombies, Run! app for this one. Seems like a good way to prep for the Run For Your Lives 5K I have coming in August.

The plan also calls for downsizing my Helvetia Half to the 10K, so I can do the Fueled by Wine Half in July. Not pushing, but not giving up. Slow, gradual exploration of what I can do. And learning to care for my aging body that is so grateful for the attention. And more and more, I think about being more intentional about nutrition so that I can adequately fuel my body while I grow stronger.

I'm sitting here today thinking about it all, a little scared about changing from "abandon the plan" to "stick with the plan." Can I do it? Can I do it and still get the other things done I need to get done in my life? I don't know. But it seems like maybe the plan is better than running around in circles. And I'd like to do a variation on the plan to finish up my damn comprehensive exam for my master's. Is it possible to change a lifetime habit? I guess I know that it is. If you can manage to stay still and stick to the plan.

Things I Want to Remember: Portland RnR Half Marathon 2013

Intense pleasure at the forecast for cool, cloudy, and possibly rainy weather.

The truly awesome expo, and being there with the person who inspired me to start this beautiful madness.

The Max, packed with other marathoners, and feeling pride in the way Trimet assisted racers.

Our first approach to the waterfront, and being amongst the first to arrive.


Finding my way to my corral - the last one - and wondering again about being last (but being far less stressed about it).

Focusing on the 3:30 pace team waaaaay ahead of me and wanting to pass them. 

Trying like hell to get past people who spread out in the course (and succeeding).

Naito Parkway isn't as brutal when the sun isn't beating down.

Hitting mile 6 and feeling fantastic.

The gorram killer endless hill of Hawthorne Blvd - that I conquered pretty easily thanks to inadvertent hill training over the past months.


The adorable little boy on 37th who made my hand sting with the awesome force of his high five.

The realization that I had crafted a truly awesome playlist.

Enjoying the SE neighborhood and soaking in the PDX love.

Sailing past mile 10 and feeling a little apprehensive as I realized I'd never been past mile 11.

Second curly-haired cutie giving me a high five - I felt like a rock star and those kids will probably never know how long their high fives sustained me.

The long monotony of Lloyd Blvd, infused with incredulity that I was past mile 11.

Approaching the Steel Bridge with my hera and moving across with confidence.

Crossing the finish line with linked hands held high.


The embrace of my family as I came across the line - my partner even more emotional than I was.

Realizing that my time was MUCH better than I'd expected.

Feeling suffused with joy and accomplishment and hoping my dad could feel part of it, wherever he is.

(I'll add more pics when I can afford to pick up the ones from the marathon photogs!)

Compassion Begins at Home

I've been thinking a lot lately about ... well, I could stop with, I've been thinking a lot lately. But what's on my mind today is a deeper realization that compassion begins at home. If I can't be compassionate with myself, then there's no way I can be compassionate with someone else. Not truly.

I think I had a misconception about compassion and forgiveness and acquiescence early on. I thought that they were all closely linked, and that compassion and forgiveness were the same as saying, "It's okay." As in, it's okay that you did that, so it's okay to do it again. No lesson needed, no change required. This kind of thinking applied equally to myself and others. For my own behavior, it's manifested most often in how I care for my body. For others, I usually thought about this in terms of how others treated me. Having compassion for them, forgiving them, meant I was saying it was okay to do it again. I struggled with this for a long time.

How could other people practice this? How could I? Because on some deep level, I knew that in many cases, it was NOT okay to do it again. Because of this, I couldn't understand how people could forgive friends for transgressions, let alone how someone could forgive a rapist or a murderer. And if I forgave myself for not taking care of myself, what was to prevent from from continuing to abuse my body? I then extended this to my behavior. If I forgave myself for being shitty to someone, what would stop me from being shitty again? I truly felt like there needed to be some kind of punishment. A correction. That these things too were linked to compassion and forgiveness. I think that I'm not alone, that this is a very Western way of seeing things. We are particularly steeped in it in America, the land of Freedom and Justice and those goddamned Bootstraps.

As I've gotten older, it's gotten easier to separate the concepts. Or at least, it's gotten easier to see the separations. I still have to work to weave that seeing into my actions and into my inner perspective. Being compassionate is not the same as forgiveness, though it's certainly closer to that than it is to acquiescence, or a need for correction or punishment. For me, being compassionate means that I understand that I am not perfect. Sometimes I behave badly. But I know that on my deepest level, I am good. And I believe that about the vast majority of my fellow humanity, even as I struggle at times to keep that belief in the forefront of my mind. If I, as a fundamentally good person, can behave badly, then so can someone else. I apply what I know to be true about myself to others. I feel that to be the heart of compassion. And that is where it diverges from  acquiescence and a need to be punitive.

Seeing that someone else is acting from a wounded place doesn't mean I'm going to continue to allow myself to share the experience. It just means that I'm going to understand that they're acting from a wounded place. That wound might be from a really fucked up life experience. It could be from cultural experiences. Could be karma. Could be all of these and could be nothing I could imagine. None of it matters though, if I can't apply the same way of thinking to myself. Allowing myself to fuck up means I have more room to allow others to fuck up. And who am I to think I know what they need to learn?

So... today I'm applying that thought to myself, and I'm going to do my level best to hold onto it tomorrow. I have, in the past, talked myself out of things I really want to do when the going gets hard. Physical reality: I am dealing with an injury, one rooted in a fundamental reality of having a curvature in my spine. But I have to try tomorrow. If I have to stop, it doesn't mean I failed. Frankly, even showing up will be a victory for me. I will have compassion for my body. And I will remember this the next time I'm witness to someone else's struggle. I have to have compassion for myself to give it to give it to someone else. There's no other way.

Aging Bodies Are Finicky

I've been dealing with an aggravated hip flexor since late last week. It's an old injury; the first time I seriously hurt it was bad news, but it was all the way back in the 8th grade. Last time I trained for sports, as a matter of fact. The hip has flared up several times over the years and the pain is an old friend. This time, though, I'm in the midst of training for half marathons, so I have to do more than just greet it.

I did my long run on Sunday, but I've taken this week off so far. I'm considering whether I should take the rest of it off until next Sunday, or whether I should keep training and ice it after each session. I could easily fit in three days before Sunday's half, but I don't want to risk putting myself out of commission all together. This seems ripe for a good lesson in taking things day-by-day. I'm thinking I'll give it a shot tonight, maybe stick to walking and not push the pace, and being sure to follow with ice. I also need to be sure to keep hydrated, I think, and well-nourished. Those muscles can't heal if I don't give them the right tools.

So yeah. Aging injuries and bodies are finicky. No big surprise, right?

Trails, Trails, Trails

It's official; I'm happiest when it's rainy, cool and I'm on a trail in the woods. I committed to some road races over the next few months, but I predict a big change in focus coming, with more trail running and hiking. It's such a rejuvenation.

Yesterday's long run was great - I had energy to spare at the end (nearly 8 miles) and could have easily kept going. It was, of course, cool and rainy, and I was back at Tualatin Hills Nature Park. I just get so much back when I'm in the trees and ferns and other green growing things. I find myself turning my playlist down and down and down till I can hear the birds and the wind. I become aware of the exchange of oxygen with the green. I feel connection with the Mother. I remember my soul. Gratitude.

Monkey Mind

I'm not 100% sure what's going on with me. Could be a serious battle with fear, could be a realistic assessment of what's going on with my body. Could be weird bad-wiring-brain stuff that's just biochemical bleeping. I know that since last weekend I've been afraid I can't do the half. I know that I am having some weird pain/discomfort in my right hip socket that is likely related to scoliosis and one leg being slightly shorter than the other. I know that the novelty has worn off and I'm dealing with my propensity for being bored once I've conquered something. I know that I'm having some strange and deep emotional "stuff" going down. And I know that there is a shitload of stress on my shoulders between work and finishing my degree.

The manifest is that I don't want to train. It's deeply uncomfortable right now, physically and psychically. I think about this slogan I saw: A race is just a victory parade for all the battles won during training. Am I losing a battle? Am I ignoring signs from my psyche and body that I've done enough for now, or am I searching for reasons to quit? What am I not facing?

People keep asking me about last week's race. I let my family off the hook for not showing up. I told them it was okay. I told them I didn't really expect anyone to be there, and I didn't. But I wanted to be wrong. I wanted someone to see my finish. I wanted to be seen. Everytime someone asks, I feel a stab of that loneliness. I don't acknowledge it though. I talk about my time (and don't talk about feeling disappointed when I saw my official time). I talk about the next race (and don't talk about my inner fight to even make it to that race). I talk about everything except the things I'm afraid to face. I talk to avoid my vulnerability.

So I'm sitting here right now in my jammies. I could change into my clothes and go for my scheduled tempo run. And I might. I could continue to ruminate about this, to think longingly about trails and being in the woods and focusing on moving forward, but not measuring distance and time. I don't know what I'm going to do at the end though. Keep talking into the void, I suppose. If this is just a monkey mind moment, a biochemical blip, then I'll be okay again at some point. At least I keep telling myself that. It's sort of my life raft.

Cross-Training

I decided to add some cross-training to my routine, picking up a few body-weight strength exercises. For the first time in a long time, my quads are hurting and sitting is a, how shall we say it? Sitting is an exercise in hearing my quads shriek. It's not debilitating, but it's definitely a soreness I didn't miss. I want to cross-train to gain the strength to run for longer periods of time with less IT band pain, but I don't want excessive soreness to derail my current enthusiasm for getting active. Maybe I'll scale it back a bit and move up in steps.

I'm wondering if traditional strength-training is the best option, also. What about yoga? Yoga can improve strength AND balance AND flexibility. These seem like good things. Anyone out there with experience to share?

Monday Morning Cerebrations

I did two things this morning that I shouldn't have: I checked my weight and I checked my official race time. Both numbers disappointed, which made me realize I still have emotional "stuff" invested in numbers as a measure of worth, rather than just information. The work is ongoing.

I'm thinking ahead to this weekend, to my last long wog on Saturday, or at least, my last one before the race the following weekend. I'm supposed to go for 10 miles, but I think I'm going to push for closer to 12. I want to see if I can, really. I did 10 miles three weeks ago and it wasn't too bad. We all know about the 11 miles that almost killed me because I underestimated the heat. Yesterday's heat was grueling too, so I need to figure this thing out.

When I go out this weekend, I know where the stops can be to fill my water bottle or use the restroom. I'll be on trails for most of it, and in the shade. That doesn't really help me know exactly how I'll do in the naked sun on Naito Pkwy on the 19th, but it gives a forgiving cushion if I get it wrong. I'll have electrolyte tablets with me to put in my water refills. I'll have my electrolyte/energy chews. I'll sleep well the night before and take all the danged allergy/asthma meds I need to take. And I'll pace myself carefully, only doing jog intervals after I hit the 6 mile mark. Input definitely welcome here - as soon as the temps get above 75, I seem to be in trouble for the long haul.

I thought that yesterday's race would make me feel more confident about the half, but instead it worried me. I was pretty tired at the end and that's only half of what I need to be able to do. I'm not sure what I did differently, except adding in the jog intervals after the 3 mile mark. I'm afraid that if I don't do that, I won't stay within the required 4 hours for the RnR Half. I have some self-talk that needs doing over the next two weeks, and it needs to gain the upper hand over that fear.

And the final thing I want to record is my longing for trail hikes rather than racing. I'm committed financially to half marathons and one 5K through August. I haven't actually registered for the Champoeg Half, and I might not. I might make a stronger shift towards trailrunning/hiking in the fall. This morning a colleague and I came up with a rather intriguing idea for a writing/art project and it has really captured my attention. I need to figure out how to journal better, find ways to capture the thoughts I have while I'm actually out on my treks. Thoughts on that are welcome too! I find that I forget so much of what I'd like to share by the time I get home... and that my attention is very divided between this endeavor, work, grad school and having a family. I so want to be able to do everything at once. Where did my ability to make it all happen at once go?? Or was it ever really there in the first place? Don't know. But I'll figure it all out eventually. 'Cause that's what I do.

Things I Want to Remember: Cinco de Mayo 10K 2013

The surprise of nerves, worry about being last.
I only had three safety pins, so one corner of my bib flapped in the breeze.
The police officer at the almost halfway point who said, "You're doing great, keeping a good pace!"
Looking back and realizing I was far from being last.
The two women ahead of me who motivated me to move faster because it seemed so easy for them.
The sun is not my friend; pockets of shade are. I will walk farther if it means I can be out of the sun.
A breeze is awesome, floating seeds look like snowy flowers and whirlwinds are bad for my contacts.
I took Steve's advice and didn't run until the second half. No negative split!
The guy who clapped me on the shoulder and said, "Let's go!" when I was tired and stopped running near the end.
Hearing my name when I crossed the finish line.
Realizing I had crushed any prior personal record for pace.
Skipping the beer line.
Having to walk from the train station because I wasn't going to wait 48 minutes for the bus (that added a mile to my day).
The fabulous taste of icy cold chocolate soy milk when I got home.
Texts and messages on FB from friends and family.
Love, and love, and love.

Racing Tomorrow

It's kind of looking like I may be alone for tomorrow's race. Gab is going to try to make it with Nina, and so is Jeff, but I have a feeling I'll be alone when I cross the finish line. I have mixed feelings about that. I mean, on one hand, it really is my personal thing, my victory over my own lack of faith in my body and my will. Most of the meaning in this is mine, and I don't think I can really share that. On the other hand, I'm kind of bummed that it's the first athletic competition I've entered since I was in junior high school and the only one I've ever entered without being part of a team. The only one who's going to celebrate that is me, at least at the moment it happens. If I raise my arms when I hit the finish, the only person who will whoop will be a stranger (if anyone at all). So there's that.

Above all, though, I have such a sense of anticipation about it all. I'm thinking about fueling and hydrating and strategy for squeezing out my best time. I'm thinking I'm glad I won't have to make small talk. I put together an awesome playlist on Spotify and it's all ready to go. I do find myself downplaying it a bit, since it's "only" 6 miles. Only 6 miles. Two months ago 3 miles nearly did me in. But in two weeks, I'll be at my first half marathon, and that's over twice the distance! Can I do it? I have much more confidence in tomorrow's event, but I like the challenge of 13 miles too.

So anyway, if there's anyone out there who actually reads this, please think of me tomorrow morning at about 8:20 PST. That's when I start. And then think again between 9:30 and 10:00 because that's when I anticipate my finish. And if you have my cell number, please DO send text messages, funny pictures and videos of you cheering me on!

Lessons Learned

This week's lesson, boys and girls, was that you can still get heat exhaustion when it's 70-some degrees outside if you've been moving continuously for nearly 3 hours, didn't bring any electrolyte replacements (and find that chocolate doesn't work in a pinch), and only had about 16 oz. of Nuun water. At 8 miles I had a huge hill and that was the killer for me, just knocked out every reserve I had. I fought to hold on to 11 miles, but headed home at a little after 10, knowing I wasn't going to finish the last mile (though I did make it to 10.8). I knew I was in trouble when I nearly passed out as I was trying to cross the street to get to my house. I must have looked bad because I had cars stopping to let me cross on Cedar Hills Blvd and that just doesn't happen.

I've reviewed what happened. I drank plenty of water on Friday; I normally do well with this during the week. Getting enough water is never a problem for me. I like to drink it. I drank plenty of water before I left. I had a full serving of oatmeal (the old-fashioned kind), with about 1/4 c chopped walnuts, 1/4 c dried dates and 2 tbs brown sugar. I had a cup of coffee. I realized I didn't have the honey gummies I've been using, and stuck a couple squares of Dove dark chocolates in my pouch, hoping they'd do. I filled up my water bottle, added the Nuun tablet, and away I went. I had to stop within the first 15 minutes to pee, which is normal. I had to stop again about 30 minutes later. That made me think I was doing okay, actually. I knew it was way hotter than normal, and while I've spent a fair portion of the last two weekends running in the woods, it was all on concrete this weekend. I think that was a bad combination with the heat and sun. Add in that hill at 8 miles. Shake with a bit of chills at about 9 miles, and a serious feeling of exhaustion combined with tunnel-y vision whenever I stopped walking.

I'm trying to figure out how much more water I need and can reasonably carry when I'm out. I have a bottle that fits in my belt, and I don't know if I can fit anything bigger in it. I had a camelpak once and maybe I need to revisit that. I won't go out without the gummies again, and I'll follow my friend Heather's cues and start eating a pack every half hour after mile 6. I'm wondering if I need to go with scrambled egg whites and salsa in place of my oatmeal, maybe with some good, dense whole grain toast. I'm also wondering if I should be eating differently the night before. I had pizza this week. Think I'll pass on doing that again. And I think I'll go back to doing large portions in the woods.

And the second part of the story was the serious self-talk I had to do to fight through Saturday. I switched between berating myself for not thinking ahead to cheering myself through wanting to quit. I really am both my own worst enemy and best champion. I had a crazy-ass week at work, lots of travel, lots of being "Super Me" and I didn't work out all week, other than Monday. That was part of the berating - I can't do Saturdays only. So I'm going to try getting up in the morning instead of evening workouts. That's going to require some serious self-coaching. I hate mornings. Really hate them. If I had my druthers I would never be out of bed before 9 AM. And I think I'm gonna have to pick up a 5 AM wake-up to do this. But if I can stick with this for so long - and do the other things I've done in the past few years, I can do this, right? I sure hope so. And I hope long distance walks and runs are rarely like the one I had this past weekend. That pretty much sucked.

So Much to Say

It's been almost two weeks since I last posted, and it feels like two months. Boston. That happened. And I wanted to write about it, but I ran instead. I found Tualatin Hills Nature Park and fell in love with the trails. I wogged there two weekends in a row and will likely make this weekend a third. And I wogged 10 miles last Saturday, a feat that is small beer to some, but a big ol' keg to me.

Last Monday I was shaken to the core by the bombing. I was working, noting tweets from local runners and their finish times when suddenly my local running store said, "What's happening in Boston?" I checked CNN and felt sucker-punched. For a long time, I wanted to think maybe it was a natural accident, but I think I knew better from the start. So I followed Twitter and the news through the day, in touch with my newfound community. And Monday night I did my training without music, running for the majority of the time. Instead of songs, I appreciated the children laughing at the park where I ran. I knew a child had died in Boston that day, and their laughter was a balm. I found more acts of compassion through the week and continue to support the survivors of that horrific event in the only way I know how - I appreciate what I can do. I appreciate my limbs. I feel connection with a greater body even as I run alone.

Before that, I found the nature park. Holy hells, I am so hooked on trails and dirt and mud rather than asphalt and concrete and car exhaust. I'm committed to these half marathons, a 10K and a 5K through August, but after that, it's going to be all about the trails. I was enchanted. Enchanted! There isn't a better word. The occasional mist, the mud, the spongy earth... the scents! (And, ahem, the apparent fragrant celebration on this past Saturday of 4/20.) And fat little curious squirrels. Slow-moving grazing deer. Frogs. I swear to the freaking gods I was like Snow White with the damned singing birds. Or... maybe more like Fiona in Shrek. Either way, I love it, I look forward to it and I can easily spend hours doing it. The connection I feel to these woods is sublime, magickal and divine. This is what it means to look upon the faces of the gods.

More mundanely, I've been thinking a great deal about the finer points of training, looking for some feedback. I'm trying to work with the chirunning form, but I really need a mirror or something to make sure I'm getting it right. Certainly it feels awkward enough. I am marveling at how my body can be so absolutely drained and sore after I finish the long runs, but bounces back the next day with minimal soreness. I have never had a movement experience like this and I'm loving it. I want to run more, I want to skip faster through the woods, and I'm working on the how without the excessive pain. So intervals of running now. Somewhere in June I think I'll add some serious cross-training in, yoga and maybe some strength training. I want it to be stuff I can do at home, preferably in the backyard.

So yeah. 11 miles on Saturday, then tapering until the 1/2 on May 19th. I have a 10K on Cinco de Mayo. I'm trying to set myself up not to chicken out. Wish me luck!

Input, Please!

Okay running friends, particularly those of you with bodies more like mine, I have some questions. I know I could probably dig around forever in news forums and magazine articles to find this info, but I'd rather hear from you, so I can ask follow-up questions if I want.

First and foremost, my previous attempts at becoming a runner were sidelined really early due to injuries, mostly severe shin splints. I thought that was because of my weight, but recent research has shown that it's not about the size of the runner. It's more likely to be about the shoe, or the form or taking on too much too soon. And I'm famous for the latter. So this time, I've managed to not have an injury. In fact, I haven't had anything beyond the pleasant kind of muscle soreness that reminds me I'm working my body, but doesn't keep from continuing to work my body. I have huge fear of getting an injury, however, and having this whole thing blow up again.

So with that in mind, here's my first question. I'm noticing that when I come back from walking for more than an hour (like during the mileage training on Saturdays) OR when I wog (that's my term for the walk/jog intervals I started last week) I have a weird aching feeling in my upper legs that's accompanied by a feeling of weakness. It roughly follows the tracking of my IT band, but it doesn't hurt like my IT band did when it got all tight in prior attempts. After a hot bath and a little rest (maybe an hour), it subsides, and I'm left with just that pleasant overall soreness. Is this something anyone else experiences? Does it mean I'm working just hard enough to improve or does it mean I'm doing too much? You don't necessarily have to know the answer for my body, of course, but I'm interested to know if anyone else has this experience.

The second thing that's puzzling me is around nutrition and how my body is reacting to all this. I've said (and meant) that this is not about a weight loss adventure. I'm doing this for many reasons, but the top one is curiousity about what I can do and joy in what I'm finding. I've changed my eating habits somewhat in response to how I notice I feel when I train. I'm drinking FAR less alcohol. And while I used to be a diet soda junkie, I now go for weeks without it. I drink a helluva lot more water. Eat more fruits and veggies. Focus on eating "clean" because deep-friend and processed just tends to make me feel yucky and I noticed that I was running out of energy early on the days that was happening. On top of this, I'm out three days a week for at least 30 minutes of training and then I have the going-on two hour long session each Saturday. I have not lost a pound. Not one. And I'm not noticing a great difference in how my clothes fit (which I would expect if I were replacing fat with muscle). That seems weird to me. I'm not doing this to lose weight, as I said, and I'm not going to stop, but it seems very weird that cleaning up my eating and adding all this exercise hasn't made any changes at all. Wait, that's not true. There have been changes in endurance and speed, but nothing apparent in terms of body composition. Is this a middle-age thing? Because even 5 years ago, I'd be buying new clothes right now. Should I talk to a doc?

And that brings me to the third thing. Since I've been doing this and paying attention to my body, as well as reading and thinking about what kind of pace I want to have and so on, I've been thinking that maybe I should lose some weight. But I adamantly do NOT want my focus to change to that and I am very scared it will. I kind of thought maybe just cleaning up my eating and adding all this activity would do the trick, but so far it has not. I'm considering a move to a borderline vegan diet to see what happens, but I have to admit to deep fear of tinkering too much with what I'm eating and putting a lot of restrictions around it. Once that happens, a host of other neurotic behaviors will be triggered and I'm doing so well with NOT having that happen! So how might I go about making changes and keeping the focus on what I want to do with my body (the athletics) without it spiraling into a focus on my worth and societal values (the aesthetics)? And what if the only way I can lose weight is to really restrict my calories? Might I just have to live with what I can do now with endurance and speed and know that's my limit? I'm being rhetorical at this point. I've done so well with keeping this focus on the curiosity and joy and I don't want to lose that.

Fourth thing. So I'm almost done with Christopher McDougall's "Born to Run," which fits in nicely with the reading on chirunning I've done. The science and arguments they offer are compelling, especially since McDougall is also a big person. I'm becoming thoughtful about my form and wanting to apply the things I'm learning to my practice. It seems like I'd have to be actually running - rather than jogging or wogging - for this form to matter? That's a question, because I'm having difficulty visualizing the form at a slow pace. Anyone have a clue what I'm talking about, and even better, thoughts or an opinion?

I'm going to bring as much of this up as I can with my coaches on Saturday, but those conversations are always a little rushed (since they happen while we're walking very fast) and none of my coaches seem to be dealing with the issues I am. Of course, that could just be my perception and I'm open to that possibility. Still, the more talking I can do with fellow walk/wog/jog or run type folks, the better.

Anniversaries Are Neutral

After doing a triumphant morning run on Monday, I was caught unaware yesterday by the two year anniversary of my dad's sudden death. It's not that I didn't realize April 9th was coming. It was more that I was busy enough that I kept it out of my mind. My body remembered though.

When I woke up Tuesday morning, all the euphoria from Monday was gone. Since I was only thinking of it as "Tuesday," and not "April 9th," I didn't realize why I was so bummed until the day was almost over and I was forced to write the date on something. Once I printed the numbers - 4/9 - I literally sat back in my seat. Then I brought up Facebook and wrote, "Well shit. I just looked at the calendar. No wonder I woke up blue today. I miss my dad. :-("

Some anniversaries suck.

So I took the day and wallowed in feeling sad and mourning. I drank too much wine. I listened to songs we listened to together. I thought about him. I missed him. I had conversations in my head where I veered between bitching at him for being gone and trying to catch him up on all that's happened since he left. I talked to my mom. I had support from friends and family all over.

When I woke up this morning, I felt pretty crappy. No more full bottles of wine for me while training. I didn't wog then, but I will tonight. And I feel so much lighter for letting myself have that day. Funny what happens when I stop fighting things.  My mood now is back to happy, back to looking forward to training. 

And so the roller coaster coasts.

Unintentional Time Off

This has been an unexpectedly crazy week. I had an upper GI, which threw off my training more than I planned. I started my final class for my MS degree, finishing up the incomplete from last term. My youngest was diagnosed with inattentive ADD and won her school's spelling bee (district bee today). My oldest had an unusual migraine experience and needed to go to the ER yesterday. So basically, I missed two runs this week.

Yesterday and to some extent, the day before, I had some serious anxiety about whether this would be "The Thing" that ended this running gig. Lots of times before The Thing has done just that. But... not this time. Today I woke up feeling pretty good (maybe the last of the demerol finally exited my system) and back on fire for this endurance running thing.

So here I am, racking up tomorrow's playlist and route, because I'm going to do the 6 miles on my own so I can come home and get to work on my final paper.

Sorry depression and anxiety. You don't win today. And I don't think it looks too good for tomorrow either.

Really? Still in Love?

I have been thinking about this entry since I finished my training on Saturday. I power-walked 7 miles. I would have jogged part of it, but I had someone with me and I wanted to make sure she was okay. I'll start incorporating more jogging into my training this weekend. I'm super excited, then, for next week's 6 mile training because I expect to see a nice increase in my pace.

And I guess that's what I want to write about, what strikes me as most remarkable at this point. I started this journey on February 23rd. I did not give it a lot of forethought; I received an email on Thursday afternoon, checked in with my partner about the funds, signed up and showed up on Saturday. I was overwhelmed and almost left that first day when I saw how many people there were, but I didn't. A lot of it was sheer stubbornness, but it was also what I heard in that first talk. I knew it was something I needed to try.

That coincided with a webinar put on by the founder of The Body is Not an Apology, Sonya Renee Taylor. That webinar, in combination with the new Portland Fit training program, shifted something in me. I'd been flirting with body positivity and the HAES movement for years, but more recently my own struggles with depression, being out of shape and not taking care of myself pushed me to do something. And so that weekend started a journey.

Five weeks later, I am still champing at the bit on training days. On rest days, I'm forcing myself to rest, because I want to go out anyway. I can honestly say I've NEVER had this experience before. No, that's not entirely true. The last time I felt this way, I was probably ten or eleven and deeply involved with gymnastics.  My mom yelled at me all the time for "flip-flopping" around (that phrase had a completely different connotation back then). Anything was potentially gymnastics apparatus. I thought about gymnastics all the time. I dreamed about it. And that's how I'm feeling about my walking/jogging/running journey. I think about it all the time. I read voraciously. I ask questions. I look to people for inspiration and encouragement. And I am wholly in love with this process of discovering what my body can do. I haven't felt this joy in far too long.

So I'm excited, I guess. Excited by what's happening, by where I am right now. I know it's just a moment in a line of moments. But I also feel that something is really shifting physically and emotionally, kind of like things shifted for me spiritually and emotionally when I had my first few years of Mystery School at Diana's Grove. And that's past due.

It's not to say, of course, that I won't continue to have struggles. I will, and I do. I know for sure that I'm putting away the scale until I can honestly say it's information only. As long as it has the power to jack up my day, it's staying in the garage. My body is too amazing to be boxed in by a number. And there will be crap sessions, like last Thursday. And days I'm tempted to sleep instead of going out. But for now, I'm so very hooked on the discovery and the good feels. And it's nice to walk through the life I've always imagined in Portland with a huge grin most of the time.

On Eating Choices (Cont'd Thoughts from Yesterday)

This article pretty much sums up what I was trying to say yesterday. Provided thanks to The Fat Nutritionist, complete with her thoughts, which echo my own:

"I am not really for or against any particular method of eating that works for an individual - if it works for you, then you have my blessing (not that you needed it.)

There is a difference, though, when it comes to the logic, evidence, and mechanisms offered as explanations for why any particular diet "works" for people. And logical fallacies abound in diet theories, particularly the naturalistic fallacy and the fallacy of antiquity:

'Ever since the rise of science and industry, there has long been a significant proportion of the population who distrust, fear, and sometimes even loathe modernity.'

There is a place here for anthropological and sociological analyses, because humans are both social and symbolic creatures, but we often discard those analyses in favour of sexy, sciencey-sounding biochemical explanations that discard the context and get us lost among the trees, forsaking the forest.

Again, I don't care how anyone eats, as long as they aren't harming others - but I do care about abuses of logic and science in their explanations of why they choose to eat a certain way.

With that, here is an article that critically discusses Paleo eating ideas - http://www.sciencebasedmedicine.org/index.php/its-a-part-of-my-paleo-fantasy-its-a-part-of-my-paleo-dream

I could apply this to so many things, things that I even hold dear, like herbal remedies. But this article appeals to the pragmatist inside, and she is strong. I've been doing this enough years to know that there is no "one way" for everyone. I'll listen to my body and figure it out. My body is wise.

Reality Check

This morning I stood in front of the scale, wondering, "Should I or shouldn't I? Is this a throwback to determining worth by this number, or am I truly just curious?" I had my answer when the number flashed.

I stepped off the scale.

I stepped back on.

Same number. "Are you fucking kidding me?!" I demanded of my body. Instantly back in the place of letting that number tell me how I was doing. It's such a habit, so ingrained. But this time, this time my body had a response.

"Are YOU fucking kidding ME? Yesterday I ran for 10 minutes, walked for 30. I took you through the beautiful forest. You were filled with joy. So really. Who's kidding who?"

Oh yes. You are so right, body. Thanks.

This led to some introspection on what HAES means to me. It means I measure my goals and progress by what my body can do right now. And I take joy in that. And I don't care if the size of my body measures up to what an arbitrary chart has to say. And I certainly don't care if it measures up to what society has to say. And those are hardwon battles.

It also means I will explore eating as a way to experience joy and also as a way to optimally fuel the things my body does. I will measure food based on how I feel after I eat it. How I feel physically, that is, and not how I "should" feel based on what the diet industry has to say about it. It means I may look at a way of eating and decide it's not for me. And it means I stop thinking about food in terms of how much I weigh, but instead in terms of how I feel. Am I energized? Does it make me have an oral-gasm? How much does it take to do these things? And so on.

Basically, it means I am healthy at whatever size healthy happens, and that this is based on what I read from studies, but moreover, what I know by being connected with my body. It means I apply the same dose of skepticism to fads and claims as I do to every other study. It means I always ask, "Who benefits here?" and "Is the research sound?"

Of course, this is my experience and journey, and moreover, it's where I am right now. It may change. But I have to say, it feels more like I'm "on to something." I feel fantastic. And... that probably means something. I think I'll choose to pay attention.

Electrolyte Replacement: Vegasport Electrolyte Hydrator in Lemon Lime

So I gave this a shot tonight. I'm auditioning electrolyte replacements at the suggestion of the PFit trainers. I don't need them on nights like tonights, but most likely starting Saturday, with the 7 miles, I need to be more aware and proactive.

The Vega Sport hydrator is zero calories, which seems like a good thing at first glance, but won't I be looking for some calories for quick energy when the miles go long? This one is sweetened with stevia and the flavor is tart but sweet. Pretty strong, actually, and I ended up adding water. I could do this as a hydrator, but it's sort of in the tolerable range, rather than the mmmm, tasty range. I got another flavor that I'm going to try tomorrow. Notes forthcoming. I also got gummy candies, so we'll see how those are later this week.

Dear Media...

There is not enough love in the world for this blog post. If I could make this a t-shirt, I would:

"Healthy eating and exercise to live long and have a powerful body actually have nothing to do with appearance.  They may, coincidentally, have an effect on my appearance, such as weight loss or gaining muscle tone.  We won’t know for a while, because I’ll be pursuing them in a leisurely, sustainable manner.  But if my body does eventually get leaner or more toned, and you want to take credit for that, feel free to accept it as a consolation prize."

And I want to savor it as a response to the people who will probably make comments about how "great" I look as I go through this training and health journey, who will falsely assume I was trying to lose weight.

Sunday Morning Ruminations

Let's start with a little housekeeping... if you're interested, you can find me being active on these health-related websites:

SparkPeople as thefirespiral
MapMyRun as monicavs_in_pdx
Fitocracy as thefirespiral

You can also find me on Google+ and Twitter.

At some point I will figure out how to include this stuff in a sidebar here. Maybe even later today. But for now, there 'tis.

Yesterday's 6 mile training walk (with some jogging) was tough. I needed to go into work afterwards, so rather than meeting with the PFit group, I mapped it out on my own. What I didn't realize was how many relatively steep (for me, anyway) hills I included in that mileage. It kicked my butt, quite literally.

The morning was super chilly, with ice showing up on wood bridges along the way. I did a loop through the Commonwealth Lake Park in the first few miles. In a word, it was magical. Mist was spiralling up from the lake's surface and there were many, many different birds around. Squirrels too. At one point, I felt a little like Snow White, singing through the forest. There were other walkers and joggers on the trail. Some met my eyes and smiled in a sort of morning camaraderie. I passed one woman twice, and both times she was looking down, deep in thought. I squelched an urge to interrupt her with a cheery "Good morning." She was obviously avoiding contact with people and I respect that. I appreciate it when other people honor when I'm seeking that kind of solitude and wanted to pay it forward.

At mile 4, I had just finished a series of hills and I was feeling pretty whupped, and a little stupid for mapping so many hills into my course. Then the perfect song launched on my playlist:

That kept me energized for awhile.

I'm struggling to put into words how transformative and recharging the experience is every time I go out. Each session leads to another feeling of reconnection with the pieces of myself that have been missing for the past five years or so. Every session leads to a sense of discovery, of astonishment and joy at what I can do. And every session includes a great deal of self-talk and gentle self-redirecting towards keeping this Self Project on track, keeping the focus on discovery and health and connection, and keeping it away from sliding towards "self-improvement" or being more acceptable. I want to honor that process, but it's so deep that it defies words.

I'm reaching out towards community, both in person and online, places to help me stay focused. It can be a double-edged sword as these communities tend to have a great deal of people who DO maintain a focus on self-improvement and/or weight loss/control. I am constantly reminding myself that it's just as okay for that to be someone else's journey as it is for mine to be something different. I am looking for inspiration, and framing that differently. I feel as though I'm in a constant process of opening and unfolding. Some of the things I find are light, and some are dark. I work towards valuing both equally. There is so much to learn.

Euphoria

I think last night I had my first experience of "runner's high." I shaved my time down to just under 15 minutes/mile and I did a bit of jogging. Remember in my last post that I wanted to get my time down there before Cinco de Mayo 10K? So yeah... I did the double-devil fist pump last night as my app announced my pace. I felt elated, so great. Still do.

Earlier in the week I missed a day of training to go to the doc and find out what's up with my respiratory system. I thought I'd had an un-kickable cold, but it turns out that I'm dealing with a bad allergy/asthma combo. Seems people move to Oregon, do great the first year, and then get slammed with nasty allergies the second year. And here I am, midst of the second year... But I have inhalers and sprays and pills, and after three or four days of consistently taking them, I feel better. And did I mention that improved time?  ::grin:: So yeah, even with the missed day, a great week.

One of the things I've loved most is what I've learned from sticking to the training schedule that Portland Fit lays out. Really sticking to it, and not pushing, which has been hard. It really, really works. I don't know why I'm surprised, but I am. I'm surprised I'm doing this, that it's not killing me, that I don't want to stop. 6 miles tomorrow. 6 miles. I can't believe that I'm looking forward to it, not scared, just curious. I mapped a great route that goes through a few local parks and I'm really looking forward to seeing more signs of spring. I sometimes wish I could stop everywhere and take pics.  Maybe next year I'll work a weekend eeeeaaasssy walk into my early training so I can stop and photo the roses (I know, terrible pun).

Week 4 of Portland Fit

I can honestly say I don't think I've ever spent fitness or health dollars better than I did when I invested in Portland Fit. I am absolutely enamored of the program, of watching spring unfold and bloom as I discover what I am really capable of doing.

Today I had a great chat with one of the AC's about when to best do upper body and core exercises. She stressed (like super stressed) the importance of letting off days truly be off days. "Recovery" is coming to have a whole new meaning for me as I learn about how to best move my body. I also tried some new ways of walking and increased my pace by a little over a second per mile. And I ended up chatting with someone in the last leg of the 5 miles. I really love the sense of community.

I had my walking pace today down to just a hair above 16 minutes/mile. I'd like to get that between 14 and 15 before my first 10K, but we'll see what happens. I'm not going to push myself to injury. Not when this has been going so well. I've never stuck with training this long, so it's paying off to take the time and listen to my body.

Looking forward to dinner - we're working to adopt the Mediterranean way of eating, and keeping it clean. I think it's important to keep options open to eat what I want, but I really am noticing how crappy I feel when I eat fried or over-processed foods. I'm having to work to find quick ways to cook well during the week, though. The last thing I want to do is come home and spend hours cooking after being at work all day. And I don't particularly want to spend all Sunday cooking in prep either. The slow cooker is super helpful in this regard and if anyone has any healthy slow cooker cookbooks (or websites) to share, I'd be grateful.

Finally, today's song - pretty much sums up my mood of the last few days. Yay spring!