On Eating Choices (Cont'd Thoughts from Yesterday)

This article pretty much sums up what I was trying to say yesterday. Provided thanks to The Fat Nutritionist, complete with her thoughts, which echo my own:

"I am not really for or against any particular method of eating that works for an individual - if it works for you, then you have my blessing (not that you needed it.)

There is a difference, though, when it comes to the logic, evidence, and mechanisms offered as explanations for why any particular diet "works" for people. And logical fallacies abound in diet theories, particularly the naturalistic fallacy and the fallacy of antiquity:

'Ever since the rise of science and industry, there has long been a significant proportion of the population who distrust, fear, and sometimes even loathe modernity.'

There is a place here for anthropological and sociological analyses, because humans are both social and symbolic creatures, but we often discard those analyses in favour of sexy, sciencey-sounding biochemical explanations that discard the context and get us lost among the trees, forsaking the forest.

Again, I don't care how anyone eats, as long as they aren't harming others - but I do care about abuses of logic and science in their explanations of why they choose to eat a certain way.

With that, here is an article that critically discusses Paleo eating ideas - http://www.sciencebasedmedicine.org/index.php/its-a-part-of-my-paleo-fantasy-its-a-part-of-my-paleo-dream

I could apply this to so many things, things that I even hold dear, like herbal remedies. But this article appeals to the pragmatist inside, and she is strong. I've been doing this enough years to know that there is no "one way" for everyone. I'll listen to my body and figure it out. My body is wise.

Reality Check

This morning I stood in front of the scale, wondering, "Should I or shouldn't I? Is this a throwback to determining worth by this number, or am I truly just curious?" I had my answer when the number flashed.

I stepped off the scale.

I stepped back on.

Same number. "Are you fucking kidding me?!" I demanded of my body. Instantly back in the place of letting that number tell me how I was doing. It's such a habit, so ingrained. But this time, this time my body had a response.

"Are YOU fucking kidding ME? Yesterday I ran for 10 minutes, walked for 30. I took you through the beautiful forest. You were filled with joy. So really. Who's kidding who?"

Oh yes. You are so right, body. Thanks.

This led to some introspection on what HAES means to me. It means I measure my goals and progress by what my body can do right now. And I take joy in that. And I don't care if the size of my body measures up to what an arbitrary chart has to say. And I certainly don't care if it measures up to what society has to say. And those are hardwon battles.

It also means I will explore eating as a way to experience joy and also as a way to optimally fuel the things my body does. I will measure food based on how I feel after I eat it. How I feel physically, that is, and not how I "should" feel based on what the diet industry has to say about it. It means I may look at a way of eating and decide it's not for me. And it means I stop thinking about food in terms of how much I weigh, but instead in terms of how I feel. Am I energized? Does it make me have an oral-gasm? How much does it take to do these things? And so on.

Basically, it means I am healthy at whatever size healthy happens, and that this is based on what I read from studies, but moreover, what I know by being connected with my body. It means I apply the same dose of skepticism to fads and claims as I do to every other study. It means I always ask, "Who benefits here?" and "Is the research sound?"

Of course, this is my experience and journey, and moreover, it's where I am right now. It may change. But I have to say, it feels more like I'm "on to something." I feel fantastic. And... that probably means something. I think I'll choose to pay attention.

Electrolyte Replacement: Vegasport Electrolyte Hydrator in Lemon Lime

So I gave this a shot tonight. I'm auditioning electrolyte replacements at the suggestion of the PFit trainers. I don't need them on nights like tonights, but most likely starting Saturday, with the 7 miles, I need to be more aware and proactive.

The Vega Sport hydrator is zero calories, which seems like a good thing at first glance, but won't I be looking for some calories for quick energy when the miles go long? This one is sweetened with stevia and the flavor is tart but sweet. Pretty strong, actually, and I ended up adding water. I could do this as a hydrator, but it's sort of in the tolerable range, rather than the mmmm, tasty range. I got another flavor that I'm going to try tomorrow. Notes forthcoming. I also got gummy candies, so we'll see how those are later this week.

Dear Media...

There is not enough love in the world for this blog post. If I could make this a t-shirt, I would:

"Healthy eating and exercise to live long and have a powerful body actually have nothing to do with appearance.  They may, coincidentally, have an effect on my appearance, such as weight loss or gaining muscle tone.  We won’t know for a while, because I’ll be pursuing them in a leisurely, sustainable manner.  But if my body does eventually get leaner or more toned, and you want to take credit for that, feel free to accept it as a consolation prize."

And I want to savor it as a response to the people who will probably make comments about how "great" I look as I go through this training and health journey, who will falsely assume I was trying to lose weight.

Sunday Morning Ruminations

Let's start with a little housekeeping... if you're interested, you can find me being active on these health-related websites:

SparkPeople as thefirespiral
MapMyRun as monicavs_in_pdx
Fitocracy as thefirespiral

You can also find me on Google+ and Twitter.

At some point I will figure out how to include this stuff in a sidebar here. Maybe even later today. But for now, there 'tis.

Yesterday's 6 mile training walk (with some jogging) was tough. I needed to go into work afterwards, so rather than meeting with the PFit group, I mapped it out on my own. What I didn't realize was how many relatively steep (for me, anyway) hills I included in that mileage. It kicked my butt, quite literally.

The morning was super chilly, with ice showing up on wood bridges along the way. I did a loop through the Commonwealth Lake Park in the first few miles. In a word, it was magical. Mist was spiralling up from the lake's surface and there were many, many different birds around. Squirrels too. At one point, I felt a little like Snow White, singing through the forest. There were other walkers and joggers on the trail. Some met my eyes and smiled in a sort of morning camaraderie. I passed one woman twice, and both times she was looking down, deep in thought. I squelched an urge to interrupt her with a cheery "Good morning." She was obviously avoiding contact with people and I respect that. I appreciate it when other people honor when I'm seeking that kind of solitude and wanted to pay it forward.

At mile 4, I had just finished a series of hills and I was feeling pretty whupped, and a little stupid for mapping so many hills into my course. Then the perfect song launched on my playlist:

That kept me energized for awhile.

I'm struggling to put into words how transformative and recharging the experience is every time I go out. Each session leads to another feeling of reconnection with the pieces of myself that have been missing for the past five years or so. Every session leads to a sense of discovery, of astonishment and joy at what I can do. And every session includes a great deal of self-talk and gentle self-redirecting towards keeping this Self Project on track, keeping the focus on discovery and health and connection, and keeping it away from sliding towards "self-improvement" or being more acceptable. I want to honor that process, but it's so deep that it defies words.

I'm reaching out towards community, both in person and online, places to help me stay focused. It can be a double-edged sword as these communities tend to have a great deal of people who DO maintain a focus on self-improvement and/or weight loss/control. I am constantly reminding myself that it's just as okay for that to be someone else's journey as it is for mine to be something different. I am looking for inspiration, and framing that differently. I feel as though I'm in a constant process of opening and unfolding. Some of the things I find are light, and some are dark. I work towards valuing both equally. There is so much to learn.

Euphoria

I think last night I had my first experience of "runner's high." I shaved my time down to just under 15 minutes/mile and I did a bit of jogging. Remember in my last post that I wanted to get my time down there before Cinco de Mayo 10K? So yeah... I did the double-devil fist pump last night as my app announced my pace. I felt elated, so great. Still do.

Earlier in the week I missed a day of training to go to the doc and find out what's up with my respiratory system. I thought I'd had an un-kickable cold, but it turns out that I'm dealing with a bad allergy/asthma combo. Seems people move to Oregon, do great the first year, and then get slammed with nasty allergies the second year. And here I am, midst of the second year... But I have inhalers and sprays and pills, and after three or four days of consistently taking them, I feel better. And did I mention that improved time?  ::grin:: So yeah, even with the missed day, a great week.

One of the things I've loved most is what I've learned from sticking to the training schedule that Portland Fit lays out. Really sticking to it, and not pushing, which has been hard. It really, really works. I don't know why I'm surprised, but I am. I'm surprised I'm doing this, that it's not killing me, that I don't want to stop. 6 miles tomorrow. 6 miles. I can't believe that I'm looking forward to it, not scared, just curious. I mapped a great route that goes through a few local parks and I'm really looking forward to seeing more signs of spring. I sometimes wish I could stop everywhere and take pics.  Maybe next year I'll work a weekend eeeeaaasssy walk into my early training so I can stop and photo the roses (I know, terrible pun).

Week 4 of Portland Fit

I can honestly say I don't think I've ever spent fitness or health dollars better than I did when I invested in Portland Fit. I am absolutely enamored of the program, of watching spring unfold and bloom as I discover what I am really capable of doing.

Today I had a great chat with one of the AC's about when to best do upper body and core exercises. She stressed (like super stressed) the importance of letting off days truly be off days. "Recovery" is coming to have a whole new meaning for me as I learn about how to best move my body. I also tried some new ways of walking and increased my pace by a little over a second per mile. And I ended up chatting with someone in the last leg of the 5 miles. I really love the sense of community.

I had my walking pace today down to just a hair above 16 minutes/mile. I'd like to get that between 14 and 15 before my first 10K, but we'll see what happens. I'm not going to push myself to injury. Not when this has been going so well. I've never stuck with training this long, so it's paying off to take the time and listen to my body.

Looking forward to dinner - we're working to adopt the Mediterranean way of eating, and keeping it clean. I think it's important to keep options open to eat what I want, but I really am noticing how crappy I feel when I eat fried or over-processed foods. I'm having to work to find quick ways to cook well during the week, though. The last thing I want to do is come home and spend hours cooking after being at work all day. And I don't particularly want to spend all Sunday cooking in prep either. The slow cooker is super helpful in this regard and if anyone has any healthy slow cooker cookbooks (or websites) to share, I'd be grateful.

Finally, today's song - pretty much sums up my mood of the last few days. Yay spring!

Feelin' Good

This is where I am today. I did all my training sets this week, and even let myself jog a little last night. My feet were KILLING me by the end, but I feel really good. No anxiety about tomorrow's 5 miles. Amazed at what I've done and what I can do.

I've been researching nutrition, currently reading Running World's "Performance Nutrition for Runners." Turns out they echoed much of your thoughts about paleo, Divinity Deveaux, with the caveat of including complex whole grains and also quick shots of more processed carbs during and immediately following a work-out. I can totally live with that. It's kind of how I eat anyway. So I've been eating "clean" these last several days and it really does make a difference in how I feel, both during and outside of training sessions.

Sleep and depression have also been positively impacted over the last three weeks. The sleep is soooo much better, and the depression hasn't gone away, but it doesn't linger as long. The "P" seems to work better too, perfect dose right now. I feel everything I should, but still have that little cushion when I need it. 

How do I forget this, that eating well and moving make such a huge difference in how I feel? As I ask myself that question, I hear an echo of a question I once asked my dad. Dad was a functional alcoholic and I remember asking him once, "How do you make the choice to take the first drink, knowing where it will lead?" He referred to a beast inside, something that I think is akin to Dexter's dark passenger. Sometimes the beast is driving, so to speak. I need to remember this when I'm tempted to give in and stop moving, or when I'm tempted to put things in my mouth that I know will lead to feeling crappy. Intention and awareness. Where would I be without them?

I like to eat!

I mean, there's no big secret in that. I like food and every time I try to cut certain foods out of my repertoire, it just leads to obsession, pain and ultimately abandonment of the banishment, which circles into self-loathing, recrimination and a host of other bad things. Strictly counting calories does the same thing. I'm not doing that ever again.

All that said, I am very interested in learning how to fuel my body for this new thing I'm doing with training for a half marathon. And it's proving to be really, really hard to find information on just that - fueling my body. Not losing weight. Not reaching for some kind of fat ratio. Just... fueling my body well, so that I can train and improve. I think it's quite likely that I will lose weight no matter what just by upping the movement and eating well, but I do not want that to be the focus. That way lies madness. So what's a girl to do? Recommendations welcome.

I think I really need to stick to my goal of walking the first one (can you see me convincing myself here? yeah... repetition helps. repetition helps.) and prep to up the "run quota" once I've seen where that goes. I mean, once I can log this kind of time in brisk walking, moving up to jogging, then running can totally happen, right? Because I really do ultimately want to run. I dream about it often and it's second only to flying. But I want to take small, doable steps, not burn myself out, not hurt myself so I can't go on. Hence, the sticking to walking, even as I yearn to step it up.  The problem here, also, is finding great training resources (and nutrition resources) for people who plan to stick with walking their first half marathon. Everything seems to assume that you will include some kind of running. Pushes towards it. Makes it hard to stick to my goal of walking (see how I went full circle there?).

I think I most likely need to have a good talk with one of my coaches this weekend at Portland Fit. Talk about all this stuff, about what I want to do and how I want to do it. I suspect there will be good advice to be had. Until then, I am ... aw, who am I kidding? I'll still keep looking for stuff to read, 'cause that's what I'll do. But I'll try to be okay with the anticipation and not pull any triggers. And I'll keep seeking community.

Insidious

I've pledged to walk my first half marathon. I pledged it to myself because when I have attempted this kind of training in the past, I've quickly gotten sore - too sore to run, and I give up. I pledged it because I'm more likely to do this if it isn't incredibly painful. And I pledged it most of all because I want to be okay with taking things at my own pace, at pleasing myself and enjoying my body. I don't want to fall into the trap of wanting to please others, or fitting a "should." And it is really hard. I almost said harder than it should be, but the irony was overwhelming.

It's so insidious, this drive to reach some nebulous ideal. Mostly it's driven by advertising, but also some inner desire to be accepted, to gain approval. I find my brain sliding back towards it like an alcoholic towards bad liquor, knowing it's no good, but finding myself with the metaphoric bottle in hand before I realize what I'm doing. If it's not about how fast I'm going, it's about how much I weigh, how big my butt is and whether or not people are laughing at me as they drive by. I sternly tell myself not to obsess about calorie counts and labeling foods as "good" or "bad" and yet it's so difficult not to do that - it's everywhere, ubiquitous judgement. TV, magazines, friends, family, people I love, people I hate, people I really admire, people I abhor. Everywhere, body judgement. And for me, it can spiral pretty quickly into self-recrimination. Trust me when I tell you that no one has ever said things to me that are as bad as what I say to myself.

I'm fighting this today and I don't even know why. I was looking forward to my walk, but started beating myself up because I had to stop at the store before I got in the "prescribed" 30 minutes. Nevermind that I walked a solid 20 minutes there and 20 minutes back, or that I walked most of the time I was in the store. I didn't do 30 straight minutes, and I didn't do it faster than last night, so I didn't do it "right". I found myself counting calories from all my meals today and feeling panicky because it was more than it "should" have been. I freaked out because I'm not losing any weight, even though that's not what this is supposed to be all about. And I started scaring myself about the 5 miles I have coming up on Saturday with the group. Can I do it? Why the fear? I did 4.5 last weekend. Why is another half mile so insurmountable?

So, shite day. Maybe it's hormonal. I dreamed last night about turning down an opportunity to be launched in the space shuttle. In my dream, I equated it with death, and I wasn't ready to leave my kids yet. I wasn't sure I could handle the solitude. I was afraid. Maybe that set the tone for the day. Lots of maybe's. What I do know is that I'm going to go to sleep, and wake up, and tomorrow will be a fresh day. It's an "off" day and I'm not going to let myself be scared that I won't go back "on" when I'm supposed to on Thursday. Because that damned voice is insidious, but so is my Zack de la Rocha response: "Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me!"

Should I? Of Course I Should.

I started training for a half marathon on February 23, 2013. I didn't think about it a lot beforehand, and that seems to be important. Basically, I didn't give myself a lot of time to talk myself out of it. It became part of a movement I'm making towards a HAES approach to my body - that's Health At Every Size, to those who may not know.

This comes after literally decades of fighting with my body, trying to shrink it - trying to shrink my Self to be more acceptable in society. I wanted to run a marathon before I hit 40 (I'm 42 now), but never made it because I couldn't lose enough weight to get started. This has been a theme for a lot of things (not doing it because I wasn't small enough to do it) and I'm feeling pretty much done with that.

So what I'll do here, then, is record this journey of discovery. I want to see what it's like to move joyfully in the body I have now; to eat well and healthily without obsessing over calories and to find the place where my Self meets my Body. No preconceived ideas of what that looks like, no judgement. Just living fully now and joyfully now.

I'm in week three of training. Saturday marked a big passage for me. I couldn't get to the training site with my group. Normally that would have been the perfect excuse to "do it later," which would translate to "do it never". The program I'm doing with Portland Fit is so do-able, especially with some new and cool tools (toys?) like Fitocracy and MapMyRun, that I found I truly wanted to go out. And I did. In fact, I ended up walking 4.5 miles. And I'm looking forward to the 5 I have coming THIS Saturday, which feels so weird.

More rambling thoughts later, but I wanted to get at least one post up today.