I'm not 100% sure what's going on with me. Could be a serious battle with fear, could be a realistic assessment of what's going on with my body. Could be weird bad-wiring-brain stuff that's just biochemical bleeping. I know that since last weekend I've been afraid I can't do the half. I know that I am having some weird pain/discomfort in my right hip socket that is likely related to scoliosis and one leg being slightly shorter than the other. I know that the novelty has worn off and I'm dealing with my propensity for being bored once I've conquered something. I know that I'm having some strange and deep emotional "stuff" going down. And I know that there is a shitload of stress on my shoulders between work and finishing my degree.
The manifest is that I don't want to train. It's deeply uncomfortable right now, physically and psychically. I think about this slogan I saw: A race is just a victory parade for all the battles won during training. Am I losing a battle? Am I ignoring signs from my psyche and body that I've done enough for now, or am I searching for reasons to quit? What am I not facing?
People keep asking me about last week's race. I let my family off the hook for not showing up. I told them it was okay. I told them I didn't really expect anyone to be there, and I didn't. But I wanted to be wrong. I wanted someone to see my finish. I wanted to be seen. Everytime someone asks, I feel a stab of that loneliness. I don't acknowledge it though. I talk about my time (and don't talk about feeling disappointed when I saw my official time). I talk about the next race (and don't talk about my inner fight to even make it to that race). I talk about everything except the things I'm afraid to face. I talk to avoid my vulnerability.
So I'm sitting here right now in my jammies. I could change into my clothes and go for my scheduled tempo run. And I might. I could continue to ruminate about this, to think longingly about trails and being in the woods and focusing on moving forward, but not measuring distance and time. I don't know what I'm going to do at the end though. Keep talking into the void, I suppose. If this is just a monkey mind moment, a biochemical blip, then I'll be okay again at some point. At least I keep telling myself that. It's sort of my life raft.
Sometimes you just need to rest. Rest your body. Rest your mind. Not every run is going to be a good one, but the good outweighs the bad. Take some time for yourself. Learn from this. Heal - physically and mentally. Take the positive from your race and focus on that. Focus on all the things you can make even better next time.
ReplyDeleteSide note: two weeks before my first half marathon, I was trying for 10 miles. I made it just past 5 miles, by some miracle, but every single step was a struggle. I ended up sobbing and decided it was time to stop. I freaked out - was I going to be able to do a half in 2 weeks?! I had only made to 8 miles twice before. But I accepted that terrible run and had a great 6.3 mile run the week right before the half. Somehow I knew I would be ok. And I was! You will be too :)
I hope you feel better soon!
Megan @ Once Upon an Iron Ring
Thanks for this, especially the side note. I read it after I ended tonight's tempo run and it was exactly what I needed to see. Looking forward to reading more from you!
DeleteI don't know what you're talking about with being disappointed by your finish time. You rocked that race! You'll also rock the half! The accomplishment is in finishing the event. Period. Try not to set yourself up by having a time goal right now. It will be a HUGE event, with lots of runners and walkers, and you'll be far from last. Expect that you will NOT have a negative split. There are hills after mile 6 and it looks like a doozy at mile 9. If you do have a negative split, let it be a pleasant surprise. For myself, I am having my own monkey mind about it, but for different reasons. This is normal, by the way. It's called pre-race jitters. Welcome to the party!
ReplyDeleteThanks Heather - can't wait to see you!
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