More and more I'm finding that my relationship with running is a metaphor for my relationship with most challenges in life. A therapist once called me out on my tendency to rabbit out when things get hard. Abandon the plan, always keep moving, never stay still. That's what I've often done at the first sign of a serious obstacle when I'm working towards a goal. And I've been lucky. Like the rabbit on the run, I often end up backtracking several times and this has allowed me to sometimes obtain my goal, albeit in a very circuitous and inefficient manner. I sometimes think, "Well, I'm on a different schedule. Things come to me when they come. And aren't I oh so spiritually wise by just letting that happen!" And sometimes that's probably a healthy perspective. But more often it's a way to avoid taking things head on.
So I've taken this week off to let my hip heal. I was scared to do it. Scared that if I stopped (stayed still), I'd stop training to run (abandon the plan). I was thinking about this today, the last day before the week I promised myself. The plan calls for me to pick up where I left off tomorrow. Now that I've done the endurance thing, I want to work on actually running more than I walk. There are several C25K plans out there that can facilitate this, especially since I'm not starting from scratch. I've chosen the Zombies, Run! app for this one. Seems like a good way to prep for the Run For Your Lives 5K I have coming in August.
The plan also calls for downsizing my Helvetia Half to the 10K, so I can do the Fueled by Wine Half in July. Not pushing, but not giving up. Slow, gradual exploration of what I can do. And learning to care for my aging body that is so grateful for the attention. And more and more, I think about being more intentional about nutrition so that I can adequately fuel my body while I grow stronger.
I'm sitting here today thinking about it all, a little scared about changing from "abandon the plan" to "stick with the plan." Can I do it? Can I do it and still get the other things done I need to get done in my life? I don't know. But it seems like maybe the plan is better than running around in circles. And I'd like to do a variation on the plan to finish up my damn comprehensive exam for my master's. Is it possible to change a lifetime habit? I guess I know that it is. If you can manage to stay still and stick to the plan.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Things I Want to Remember: Portland RnR Half Marathon 2013
Intense pleasure at the forecast for cool, cloudy, and possibly rainy weather.The truly awesome expo, and being there with the person who inspired me to start this beautiful madness.
The Max, packed with other marathoners, and feeling pride in the way Trimet assisted racers.
Our first approach to the waterfront, and being amongst the first to arrive.
Finding my way to my corral - the last one - and wondering again about being last (but being far less stressed about it).
Focusing on the 3:30 pace team waaaaay ahead of me and wanting to pass them.
Trying like hell to get past people who spread out in the course (and succeeding).
Naito Parkway isn't as brutal when the sun isn't beating down.
Hitting mile 6 and feeling fantastic.
The gorram killer endless hill of Hawthorne Blvd - that I conquered pretty easily thanks to inadvertent hill training over the past months.
The adorable little boy on 37th who made my hand sting with the awesome force of his high five.
The realization that I had crafted a truly awesome playlist.
Enjoying the SE neighborhood and soaking in the PDX love.
Sailing past mile 10 and feeling a little apprehensive as I realized I'd never been past mile 11.
Second curly-haired cutie giving me a high five - I felt like a rock star and those kids will probably never know how long their high fives sustained me.
The long monotony of Lloyd Blvd, infused with incredulity that I was past mile 11.
Approaching the Steel Bridge with my hera and moving across with confidence.
Crossing the finish line with linked hands held high.
The embrace of my family as I came across the line - my partner even more emotional than I was.
Realizing that my time was MUCH better than I'd expected.
Feeling suffused with joy and accomplishment and hoping my dad could feel part of it, wherever he is.
(I'll add more pics when I can afford to pick up the ones from the marathon photogs!)
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Compassion Begins at Home
I've been thinking a lot lately about ... well, I could stop with, I've been thinking a lot lately. But what's on my mind today is a deeper realization that compassion begins at home. If I can't be compassionate with myself, then there's no way I can be compassionate with someone else. Not truly.
I think I had a misconception about compassion and forgiveness and acquiescence early on. I thought that they were all closely linked, and that compassion and forgiveness were the same as saying, "It's okay." As in, it's okay that you did that, so it's okay to do it again. No lesson needed, no change required. This kind of thinking applied equally to myself and others. For my own behavior, it's manifested most often in how I care for my body. For others, I usually thought about this in terms of how others treated me. Having compassion for them, forgiving them, meant I was saying it was okay to do it again. I struggled with this for a long time.
How could other people practice this? How could I? Because on some deep level, I knew that in many cases, it was NOT okay to do it again. Because of this, I couldn't understand how people could forgive friends for transgressions, let alone how someone could forgive a rapist or a murderer. And if I forgave myself for not taking care of myself, what was to prevent from from continuing to abuse my body? I then extended this to my behavior. If I forgave myself for being shitty to someone, what would stop me from being shitty again? I truly felt like there needed to be some kind of punishment. A correction. That these things too were linked to compassion and forgiveness. I think that I'm not alone, that this is a very Western way of seeing things. We are particularly steeped in it in America, the land of Freedom and Justice and those goddamned Bootstraps.
As I've gotten older, it's gotten easier to separate the concepts. Or at least, it's gotten easier to see the separations. I still have to work to weave that seeing into my actions and into my inner perspective. Being compassionate is not the same as forgiveness, though it's certainly closer to that than it is to acquiescence, or a need for correction or punishment. For me, being compassionate means that I understand that I am not perfect. Sometimes I behave badly. But I know that on my deepest level, I am good. And I believe that about the vast majority of my fellow humanity, even as I struggle at times to keep that belief in the forefront of my mind. If I, as a fundamentally good person, can behave badly, then so can someone else. I apply what I know to be true about myself to others. I feel that to be the heart of compassion. And that is where it diverges from acquiescence and a need to be punitive.
Seeing that someone else is acting from a wounded place doesn't mean I'm going to continue to allow myself to share the experience. It just means that I'm going to understand that they're acting from a wounded place. That wound might be from a really fucked up life experience. It could be from cultural experiences. Could be karma. Could be all of these and could be nothing I could imagine. None of it matters though, if I can't apply the same way of thinking to myself. Allowing myself to fuck up means I have more room to allow others to fuck up. And who am I to think I know what they need to learn?
So... today I'm applying that thought to myself, and I'm going to do my level best to hold onto it tomorrow. I have, in the past, talked myself out of things I really want to do when the going gets hard. Physical reality: I am dealing with an injury, one rooted in a fundamental reality of having a curvature in my spine. But I have to try tomorrow. If I have to stop, it doesn't mean I failed. Frankly, even showing up will be a victory for me. I will have compassion for my body. And I will remember this the next time I'm witness to someone else's struggle. I have to have compassion for myself to give it to give it to someone else. There's no other way.
I think I had a misconception about compassion and forgiveness and acquiescence early on. I thought that they were all closely linked, and that compassion and forgiveness were the same as saying, "It's okay." As in, it's okay that you did that, so it's okay to do it again. No lesson needed, no change required. This kind of thinking applied equally to myself and others. For my own behavior, it's manifested most often in how I care for my body. For others, I usually thought about this in terms of how others treated me. Having compassion for them, forgiving them, meant I was saying it was okay to do it again. I struggled with this for a long time.
How could other people practice this? How could I? Because on some deep level, I knew that in many cases, it was NOT okay to do it again. Because of this, I couldn't understand how people could forgive friends for transgressions, let alone how someone could forgive a rapist or a murderer. And if I forgave myself for not taking care of myself, what was to prevent from from continuing to abuse my body? I then extended this to my behavior. If I forgave myself for being shitty to someone, what would stop me from being shitty again? I truly felt like there needed to be some kind of punishment. A correction. That these things too were linked to compassion and forgiveness. I think that I'm not alone, that this is a very Western way of seeing things. We are particularly steeped in it in America, the land of Freedom and Justice and those goddamned Bootstraps.
As I've gotten older, it's gotten easier to separate the concepts. Or at least, it's gotten easier to see the separations. I still have to work to weave that seeing into my actions and into my inner perspective. Being compassionate is not the same as forgiveness, though it's certainly closer to that than it is to acquiescence, or a need for correction or punishment. For me, being compassionate means that I understand that I am not perfect. Sometimes I behave badly. But I know that on my deepest level, I am good. And I believe that about the vast majority of my fellow humanity, even as I struggle at times to keep that belief in the forefront of my mind. If I, as a fundamentally good person, can behave badly, then so can someone else. I apply what I know to be true about myself to others. I feel that to be the heart of compassion. And that is where it diverges from acquiescence and a need to be punitive.
Seeing that someone else is acting from a wounded place doesn't mean I'm going to continue to allow myself to share the experience. It just means that I'm going to understand that they're acting from a wounded place. That wound might be from a really fucked up life experience. It could be from cultural experiences. Could be karma. Could be all of these and could be nothing I could imagine. None of it matters though, if I can't apply the same way of thinking to myself. Allowing myself to fuck up means I have more room to allow others to fuck up. And who am I to think I know what they need to learn?
So... today I'm applying that thought to myself, and I'm going to do my level best to hold onto it tomorrow. I have, in the past, talked myself out of things I really want to do when the going gets hard. Physical reality: I am dealing with an injury, one rooted in a fundamental reality of having a curvature in my spine. But I have to try tomorrow. If I have to stop, it doesn't mean I failed. Frankly, even showing up will be a victory for me. I will have compassion for my body. And I will remember this the next time I'm witness to someone else's struggle. I have to have compassion for myself to give it to give it to someone else. There's no other way.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Aging Bodies Are Finicky
I've been dealing with an aggravated hip flexor since late last week. It's an old injury; the first time I seriously hurt it was bad news, but it was all the way back in the 8th grade. Last time I trained for sports, as a matter of fact. The hip has flared up several times over the years and the pain is an old friend. This time, though, I'm in the midst of training for half marathons, so I have to do more than just greet it.
I did my long run on Sunday, but I've taken this week off so far. I'm considering whether I should take the rest of it off until next Sunday, or whether I should keep training and ice it after each session. I could easily fit in three days before Sunday's half, but I don't want to risk putting myself out of commission all together. This seems ripe for a good lesson in taking things day-by-day. I'm thinking I'll give it a shot tonight, maybe stick to walking and not push the pace, and being sure to follow with ice. I also need to be sure to keep hydrated, I think, and well-nourished. Those muscles can't heal if I don't give them the right tools.
So yeah. Aging injuries and bodies are finicky. No big surprise, right?
I did my long run on Sunday, but I've taken this week off so far. I'm considering whether I should take the rest of it off until next Sunday, or whether I should keep training and ice it after each session. I could easily fit in three days before Sunday's half, but I don't want to risk putting myself out of commission all together. This seems ripe for a good lesson in taking things day-by-day. I'm thinking I'll give it a shot tonight, maybe stick to walking and not push the pace, and being sure to follow with ice. I also need to be sure to keep hydrated, I think, and well-nourished. Those muscles can't heal if I don't give them the right tools.
So yeah. Aging injuries and bodies are finicky. No big surprise, right?
Monday, May 13, 2013
Trails, Trails, Trails
It's official; I'm happiest when it's rainy, cool and I'm on a trail in the woods. I committed to some road races over the next few months, but I predict a big change in focus coming, with more trail running and hiking. It's such a rejuvenation.
Yesterday's long run was great - I had energy to spare at the end (nearly 8 miles) and could have easily kept going. It was, of course, cool and rainy, and I was back at Tualatin Hills Nature Park. I just get so much back when I'm in the trees and ferns and other green growing things. I find myself turning my playlist down and down and down till I can hear the birds and the wind. I become aware of the exchange of oxygen with the green. I feel connection with the Mother. I remember my soul. Gratitude.
Yesterday's long run was great - I had energy to spare at the end (nearly 8 miles) and could have easily kept going. It was, of course, cool and rainy, and I was back at Tualatin Hills Nature Park. I just get so much back when I'm in the trees and ferns and other green growing things. I find myself turning my playlist down and down and down till I can hear the birds and the wind. I become aware of the exchange of oxygen with the green. I feel connection with the Mother. I remember my soul. Gratitude.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Monkey Mind
I'm not 100% sure what's going on with me. Could be a serious battle with fear, could be a realistic assessment of what's going on with my body. Could be weird bad-wiring-brain stuff that's just biochemical bleeping. I know that since last weekend I've been afraid I can't do the half. I know that I am having some weird pain/discomfort in my right hip socket that is likely related to scoliosis and one leg being slightly shorter than the other. I know that the novelty has worn off and I'm dealing with my propensity for being bored once I've conquered something. I know that I'm having some strange and deep emotional "stuff" going down. And I know that there is a shitload of stress on my shoulders between work and finishing my degree.
The manifest is that I don't want to train. It's deeply uncomfortable right now, physically and psychically. I think about this slogan I saw: A race is just a victory parade for all the battles won during training. Am I losing a battle? Am I ignoring signs from my psyche and body that I've done enough for now, or am I searching for reasons to quit? What am I not facing?
People keep asking me about last week's race. I let my family off the hook for not showing up. I told them it was okay. I told them I didn't really expect anyone to be there, and I didn't. But I wanted to be wrong. I wanted someone to see my finish. I wanted to be seen. Everytime someone asks, I feel a stab of that loneliness. I don't acknowledge it though. I talk about my time (and don't talk about feeling disappointed when I saw my official time). I talk about the next race (and don't talk about my inner fight to even make it to that race). I talk about everything except the things I'm afraid to face. I talk to avoid my vulnerability.
So I'm sitting here right now in my jammies. I could change into my clothes and go for my scheduled tempo run. And I might. I could continue to ruminate about this, to think longingly about trails and being in the woods and focusing on moving forward, but not measuring distance and time. I don't know what I'm going to do at the end though. Keep talking into the void, I suppose. If this is just a monkey mind moment, a biochemical blip, then I'll be okay again at some point. At least I keep telling myself that. It's sort of my life raft.
The manifest is that I don't want to train. It's deeply uncomfortable right now, physically and psychically. I think about this slogan I saw: A race is just a victory parade for all the battles won during training. Am I losing a battle? Am I ignoring signs from my psyche and body that I've done enough for now, or am I searching for reasons to quit? What am I not facing?
People keep asking me about last week's race. I let my family off the hook for not showing up. I told them it was okay. I told them I didn't really expect anyone to be there, and I didn't. But I wanted to be wrong. I wanted someone to see my finish. I wanted to be seen. Everytime someone asks, I feel a stab of that loneliness. I don't acknowledge it though. I talk about my time (and don't talk about feeling disappointed when I saw my official time). I talk about the next race (and don't talk about my inner fight to even make it to that race). I talk about everything except the things I'm afraid to face. I talk to avoid my vulnerability.
So I'm sitting here right now in my jammies. I could change into my clothes and go for my scheduled tempo run. And I might. I could continue to ruminate about this, to think longingly about trails and being in the woods and focusing on moving forward, but not measuring distance and time. I don't know what I'm going to do at the end though. Keep talking into the void, I suppose. If this is just a monkey mind moment, a biochemical blip, then I'll be okay again at some point. At least I keep telling myself that. It's sort of my life raft.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Cross-Training
I decided to add some cross-training to my routine, picking up a few body-weight strength exercises. For the first time in a long time, my quads are hurting and sitting is a, how shall we say it? Sitting is an exercise in hearing my quads shriek. It's not debilitating, but it's definitely a soreness I didn't miss. I want to cross-train to gain the strength to run for longer periods of time with less IT band pain, but I don't want excessive soreness to derail my current enthusiasm for getting active. Maybe I'll scale it back a bit and move up in steps.
I'm wondering if traditional strength-training is the best option, also. What about yoga? Yoga can improve strength AND balance AND flexibility. These seem like good things. Anyone out there with experience to share?
I'm wondering if traditional strength-training is the best option, also. What about yoga? Yoga can improve strength AND balance AND flexibility. These seem like good things. Anyone out there with experience to share?
Monday Morning Cerebrations
I did two things this morning that I shouldn't have: I checked my weight and I checked my official race time. Both numbers disappointed, which made me realize I still have emotional "stuff" invested in numbers as a measure of worth, rather than just information. The work is ongoing.
I'm thinking ahead to this weekend, to my last long wog on Saturday, or at least, my last one before the race the following weekend. I'm supposed to go for 10 miles, but I think I'm going to push for closer to 12. I want to see if I can, really. I did 10 miles three weeks ago and it wasn't too bad. We all know about the 11 miles that almost killed me because I underestimated the heat. Yesterday's heat was grueling too, so I need to figure this thing out.
When I go out this weekend, I know where the stops can be to fill my water bottle or use the restroom. I'll be on trails for most of it, and in the shade. That doesn't really help me know exactly how I'll do in the naked sun on Naito Pkwy on the 19th, but it gives a forgiving cushion if I get it wrong. I'll have electrolyte tablets with me to put in my water refills. I'll have my electrolyte/energy chews. I'll sleep well the night before and take all the danged allergy/asthma meds I need to take. And I'll pace myself carefully, only doing jog intervals after I hit the 6 mile mark. Input definitely welcome here - as soon as the temps get above 75, I seem to be in trouble for the long haul.
I thought that yesterday's race would make me feel more confident about the half, but instead it worried me. I was pretty tired at the end and that's only half of what I need to be able to do. I'm not sure what I did differently, except adding in the jog intervals after the 3 mile mark. I'm afraid that if I don't do that, I won't stay within the required 4 hours for the RnR Half. I have some self-talk that needs doing over the next two weeks, and it needs to gain the upper hand over that fear.
And the final thing I want to record is my longing for trail hikes rather than racing. I'm committed financially to half marathons and one 5K through August. I haven't actually registered for the Champoeg Half, and I might not. I might make a stronger shift towards trailrunning/hiking in the fall. This morning a colleague and I came up with a rather intriguing idea for a writing/art project and it has really captured my attention. I need to figure out how to journal better, find ways to capture the thoughts I have while I'm actually out on my treks. Thoughts on that are welcome too! I find that I forget so much of what I'd like to share by the time I get home... and that my attention is very divided between this endeavor, work, grad school and having a family. I so want to be able to do everything at once. Where did my ability to make it all happen at once go?? Or was it ever really there in the first place? Don't know. But I'll figure it all out eventually. 'Cause that's what I do.
I'm thinking ahead to this weekend, to my last long wog on Saturday, or at least, my last one before the race the following weekend. I'm supposed to go for 10 miles, but I think I'm going to push for closer to 12. I want to see if I can, really. I did 10 miles three weeks ago and it wasn't too bad. We all know about the 11 miles that almost killed me because I underestimated the heat. Yesterday's heat was grueling too, so I need to figure this thing out.
When I go out this weekend, I know where the stops can be to fill my water bottle or use the restroom. I'll be on trails for most of it, and in the shade. That doesn't really help me know exactly how I'll do in the naked sun on Naito Pkwy on the 19th, but it gives a forgiving cushion if I get it wrong. I'll have electrolyte tablets with me to put in my water refills. I'll have my electrolyte/energy chews. I'll sleep well the night before and take all the danged allergy/asthma meds I need to take. And I'll pace myself carefully, only doing jog intervals after I hit the 6 mile mark. Input definitely welcome here - as soon as the temps get above 75, I seem to be in trouble for the long haul.
I thought that yesterday's race would make me feel more confident about the half, but instead it worried me. I was pretty tired at the end and that's only half of what I need to be able to do. I'm not sure what I did differently, except adding in the jog intervals after the 3 mile mark. I'm afraid that if I don't do that, I won't stay within the required 4 hours for the RnR Half. I have some self-talk that needs doing over the next two weeks, and it needs to gain the upper hand over that fear.
And the final thing I want to record is my longing for trail hikes rather than racing. I'm committed financially to half marathons and one 5K through August. I haven't actually registered for the Champoeg Half, and I might not. I might make a stronger shift towards trailrunning/hiking in the fall. This morning a colleague and I came up with a rather intriguing idea for a writing/art project and it has really captured my attention. I need to figure out how to journal better, find ways to capture the thoughts I have while I'm actually out on my treks. Thoughts on that are welcome too! I find that I forget so much of what I'd like to share by the time I get home... and that my attention is very divided between this endeavor, work, grad school and having a family. I so want to be able to do everything at once. Where did my ability to make it all happen at once go?? Or was it ever really there in the first place? Don't know. But I'll figure it all out eventually. 'Cause that's what I do.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Things I Want to Remember: Cinco de Mayo 10K 2013
The surprise of nerves, worry about being last.
I only had three safety pins, so one corner of my bib flapped in the breeze.
The police officer at the almost halfway point who said, "You're doing great, keeping a good pace!"
Looking back and realizing I was far from being last.
The two women ahead of me who motivated me to move faster because it seemed so easy for them.
The sun is not my friend; pockets of shade are. I will walk farther if it means I can be out of the sun.
A breeze is awesome, floating seeds look like snowy flowers and whirlwinds are bad for my contacts.
I took Steve's advice and didn't run until the second half. No negative split!
The guy who clapped me on the shoulder and said, "Let's go!" when I was tired and stopped running near the end.
Hearing my name when I crossed the finish line.
Realizing I had crushed any prior personal record for pace.
Skipping the beer line.
Having to walk from the train station because I wasn't going to wait 48 minutes for the bus (that added a mile to my day).
The fabulous taste of icy cold chocolate soy milk when I got home.
Texts and messages on FB from friends and family.
Love, and love, and love.
I only had three safety pins, so one corner of my bib flapped in the breeze.
The police officer at the almost halfway point who said, "You're doing great, keeping a good pace!"
Looking back and realizing I was far from being last.
The two women ahead of me who motivated me to move faster because it seemed so easy for them.
The sun is not my friend; pockets of shade are. I will walk farther if it means I can be out of the sun.
A breeze is awesome, floating seeds look like snowy flowers and whirlwinds are bad for my contacts.
I took Steve's advice and didn't run until the second half. No negative split!
The guy who clapped me on the shoulder and said, "Let's go!" when I was tired and stopped running near the end.
Hearing my name when I crossed the finish line.
Realizing I had crushed any prior personal record for pace.
Skipping the beer line.
Having to walk from the train station because I wasn't going to wait 48 minutes for the bus (that added a mile to my day).
The fabulous taste of icy cold chocolate soy milk when I got home.
Texts and messages on FB from friends and family.
Love, and love, and love.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Racing Tomorrow
It's kind of looking like I may be alone for tomorrow's race. Gab is going to try to make it with Nina, and so is Jeff, but I have a feeling I'll be alone when I cross the finish line. I have mixed feelings about that. I mean, on one hand, it really is my personal thing, my victory over my own lack of faith in my body and my will. Most of the meaning in this is mine, and I don't think I can really share that. On the other hand, I'm kind of bummed that it's the first athletic competition I've entered since I was in junior high school and the only one I've ever entered without being part of a team. The only one who's going to celebrate that is me, at least at the moment it happens. If I raise my arms when I hit the finish, the only person who will whoop will be a stranger (if anyone at all). So there's that.
Above all, though, I have such a sense of anticipation about it all. I'm thinking about fueling and hydrating and strategy for squeezing out my best time. I'm thinking I'm glad I won't have to make small talk. I put together an awesome playlist on Spotify and it's all ready to go. I do find myself downplaying it a bit, since it's "only" 6 miles. Only 6 miles. Two months ago 3 miles nearly did me in. But in two weeks, I'll be at my first half marathon, and that's over twice the distance! Can I do it? I have much more confidence in tomorrow's event, but I like the challenge of 13 miles too.
So anyway, if there's anyone out there who actually reads this, please think of me tomorrow morning at about 8:20 PST. That's when I start. And then think again between 9:30 and 10:00 because that's when I anticipate my finish. And if you have my cell number, please DO send text messages, funny pictures and videos of you cheering me on!
Above all, though, I have such a sense of anticipation about it all. I'm thinking about fueling and hydrating and strategy for squeezing out my best time. I'm thinking I'm glad I won't have to make small talk. I put together an awesome playlist on Spotify and it's all ready to go. I do find myself downplaying it a bit, since it's "only" 6 miles. Only 6 miles. Two months ago 3 miles nearly did me in. But in two weeks, I'll be at my first half marathon, and that's over twice the distance! Can I do it? I have much more confidence in tomorrow's event, but I like the challenge of 13 miles too.
So anyway, if there's anyone out there who actually reads this, please think of me tomorrow morning at about 8:20 PST. That's when I start. And then think again between 9:30 and 10:00 because that's when I anticipate my finish. And if you have my cell number, please DO send text messages, funny pictures and videos of you cheering me on!
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