Internal measures of my health are consistently good. My blood pressure often warrants a double take because it's the kind of low that usually comes with a lot of cardio. My cholesterol is low. My resting pulse rate is great. Other than having crappy ventilators (i.e. asthma) and faulty wiring (i.e. migraines) and a little bit of rusty plumbing (i.e. IBS), I'm just as healthy as any person whose BMI is in the "healthy" range (which is generally a bullshit table created for insurance companies to justify fucking with consumers). What doesn't get measured, however, is the impact of my body size and shape on my joints. What doesn't get measured is how it hurts.
So, HAES is fantastic in the sense of throwing away a lot of faulty science and bad communications that mistake correlation for causation. But in those communities I find little support for a discussion of how my weight impacts my back, my knees and my ankles. Also, it impacts my lungs, though that happens even when all other things (i.e. skeletal things) are good. I've gained such a great appreciation of healthy skepticism when it comes to "fitness prescriptions" and ways to measure health from the HAES community, but when it comes to talking about how size impacts the way my body moves, they have literally left me out in the cold. As in, asked me to leave their forums. So. Here I am.
While walking this morning, I thought about the phrase, "if you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything." I thought (as I walked by the lovely scenery of the Pacific NW, which includes abundant trees and water) about how in nature, things that stand rigidly are often the first things to break. I thought about all the exercises I've ever done with my body that involve standing rigidly and falling more easily, vs. standing relaxed and flexed, and flowing with pressures applied to my body - but never falling. I thought about how things that stand rigidly in the water are worn down more quickly than things that flow with the water. I thought that rather than believing that if you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything, I'd rather gently flex in the flow, with deep roots. I'd rather be shaped by some things in the flow while others simply wash by.
And I thought about how I'd rather take this approach to my health. In the past, I've stood as various trees. The WW Tree. The South Beach Tree. The (this is embarrassing) Cleanse Tree. The Personal Trainer Tree. The HAES Tree. I'm stripping down to the reed now, letting what I've learned from being the trees (except that one, which I deeply regret) shape me. Also, I have a hell of a lot of questions for my physical therapist because...
...the other thing I thought about this morning (I was standing in the shower thinking...) (if you love Jane's Addiction, your brain just sang that), is how back in 2007, when I moved my body down to a weight (that still isn't good enough for the dumb chart, but whatevs) that felt good, that didn't hurt my joints, that let me MOVE, I ultimately rejected it because I didn't want to spend the 10 hours or so in the gym every week that would be required to maintain it. My shower epiphany - that wasn't the right thing. What if there was something I could do for 10 hours a week or so that I love? Like, y'know, hiking? Or walking? Or running? And what if whatever I do for those hours doesn't hurt my body? (That's where the physical therapist comes in.)
Because one thing I know very well is that I'd rather have freedom with what I eat, I'd rather think about food as fuel for what I do, than to restrict what I eat, which leads to all kinds of nasty disordered behaviors. I'm not suggesting that eating healthy isn't important - because duh, it is - but that I'd rather eat well and exercise well than not eat much so I don't have to exercise.
And that brings me back to fixing what ails me, which does require that I lose some weight. I'm not sure how much, and I'm going to consult with the PT on that, as long as s/he doesn't get all BMI on me. That's such a cop-out. I'm also going to get some honest feedback on the limitations of my body. I have scoliosis. I have back issues because of it, and most likely it's what's jacking with my legs. Losing weight will help, but I strongly suspect I still need to know some things about my body.
My appointment is on Monday.
I can't wait.
Always great contemplation and self realization. I can relate, somewhat, to a couple of these same struggles. My back has been in some form of discomfort just about as long as I can remember of my adult life. So much so in the past year, I've hardly done much physical fitness related activity. I've gained somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 lbs too. Worst of all, I've even become somewhat apathetic to it all and kinda taken the "I don't give a shit" attitude way too much of the time. I did, just this past week get a good ass kicking at crossfit and afterwards pondered why it is I don't just do what I enjoy, running, biking and swimming, instead of this torture. I have to remind myself that even in times of pain and discomfort there's always some form of motion I can be taking rather than sitting around feeling sorry for myself. Keep motivating me please. I'm always encouraged by your perseverance. Oh, and, persevere.
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly how I think I'd feel about crossfit, though I have TOTALLY almost gone there. I think it's probably not the best form of exercise for folks with back issues. But you've clearly gotten my point - why torture myself when I can find ways to be fit that I enjoy? I was spending well OVER 10 hours a week last spring when I was training and I never gave it a second thought.
DeleteIf you do have back issues, do the doctor thing. I'm becoming convinced that it's the best way. I'll write after my physical therapy appt on Monday, because I'm thinking (and have had anecdotes from fellow runners/walkers) that it will make all the difference.